Global Daily Planet

Incoming godless apostate Paul Martin who will soon be replacing outgoing godless apostate Jean Cretin as Prime Minister of Canada has made it perfectly clear that the Canadian Federal Liberal Party will not allow any of its members to hold biblical views on the practice of homosexuality (condemned in the Bible as sodomy). One of Cretin's cabinet ministers, a Mr. David Kilgour, a spineless jellyfish of a man who professes to be a Christian, had said that the senile Canadian judges' decision on allowing sodomite marriages (senile being my word for these judges and not that of the spineless Mr. Kilgour) might lead to polygamous marriages and incestuous marriages being legalized. Paul Martin had a massive bowel movement when he read those words and angered, he phoned Kilgour to clarify. Kilgour backtracked and wimped out saying he had been misquoted and misconstrued. Stephen Harper the leader of the so-called Opposition in Canada, the Canadian Alliance Party recently fired his party's Family Affairs critic when that gentleman pointed out that Canadian sodomites formed a network back in the 1960s to recruit young boys into becoming homosesexuals (something that's a known historical fact but neither sodomites nor liberals are interested in the truth in Canada). Mr. Harper who likewise professes to be a Christian is more likely a spineless jellyfish like Mr. Kilgour or a godless apostate like Mr. Martin.

The Palestinian terrorist leader Yasser Arafat has written a letter to French President Jacques Chirac and British Prime Minister Tony Blair asking them to help restart the stalled peace process. In the letter, Arafat conveniently forgets to mention the fact that it was his rejection of then Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Barak's generous offer of a Palestinian state with East Jerusalem as the capital at the Camp David Peace Talks in the summer of 2000 and Arafat's starting the Second Intifadah on September 29th, 2000 with the goal of driving the Jewish people into the Mediterranean Sea was what stalled the peace process in the first place. Now that it's suddenly dawned on this drug-running, money-laundering sodomite pedophile gangster that he's losing the Second Intifadah, he goes running to France and Britain for help. Well, he'll probably get help from the anti-Semitic French and the rest of the anti-Semitic continental Western Europeans but it's very doubtful that he'll get help from the British who aren't as anti-Jewish as their counterparts across the North Sea and the English Channel.

NATO has put out a security alert in Kosovo saying that international organizations may come under attack in the UN protectorate. Kosovo was of course the drug-funded Muslim militant enclave established in the heart of Europe by America's brainless ex-President Bill Clinton, a man who spent more time thinking below the belt than he did above it (which explains why he was so beloved by Hollywood where most of the people there do the same thing). The 78 day bombing campaign of 1999 by the US and its NATO allies against Serbian civilians in Belgrade and other cities was designed by Clinton to send Slobodan Milosovic a message (that message being, "Well if you commit genocide against Albanian Muslims in Kosovo, I'll commit genocide against your Serbian people! Har! Har! Har! How'd you like my Arkansas sense of humour! And in a couple of years, I'll still be loved by liberals and leftists everywhere while you'll be a war criminal in the Hague! Har! Har! Har!" ).

As the world on our Global Daily Planet drifts more and more this year towards a global Orwellian Big Brother totalitarian dictatorship reminiscent of the Mark of the Beast economic and political system described in the Book of Revelation, what would the Apostle Paul say about the world situation today. Well the Apostle Paul said that the "Son of Perdition (Antichrist) would not come until there was a Great Apostasy (in the Church) first". Most of the mainline denominations no longer believe what's taught in the Bible or in the Creeds of the early Christian Church. Back in the 1970s in the US, an exception to this trend was people who called themselves "born-again Christians". Now in the year 2003, opinion pollster George Barna of Barna Research did a survey of born-again Christians to discover what they believe currently. 26% of "born-agains" believe that all religions are essentially the same. 35% of born-again Christians (that's more than 1 in 3) do not believe that Jesus rose physically from the dead. Over half of born-again Christians (52%) do not believe that the Holy Spirit is a living entity. 45% do not believe in the existence of Satan. 10% believe in reincarnation and 29% believe in the power of seances to communicate with the dead. Well with those poll results on North American born-again Christians in mind, it appears that Pope John Paul II may not be the only one to get the epithet "Antichrist" thrown at him by Rev. Ian Paisley.

Rev. Ian Paisley's Democratic Unionist Party has won the majority of seats in the Northern Ireland Assembly elections today. The DUP won 30 seats, three more than David Trimble's Ulster Unionist who only won 27 and six more than Gerry Adams' Irish Nationalist Sinn Fein Party who won 24. No doubt Pope John Paul II who was once called the "Antichrist" by Rev. Paisley in the European Union Parliament will be very unhappy about the result. Not to mention British Prime Minister Tony Blair whose Good Friday Agreement of 1998 was opposed by Rev. Paisley.

It was 60 years ago today that the Tehran Conference was held. It was a meeting between Britain's Winston Churchill, America's Franklin Roosevelt and the Soviet Union's Josef Stalin to decide the shape of the post-War world and post-War Europe.

US President George W. Bush paid a surprise trip to Baghdad to serve and have Thanksgiving dinner with about 600 stunned US troops at Baghdad International Airport. The trip was kept secret because of security concerns. Not even the troops having Thanksgiving Dinner at Baghdad Airport were told President Bush would be coming. Paul Bremer the US civilian administrator of Iraq had told troops he'd be reading a Message From the President before dinner began. As troops assembled for the feast, Bremer told them he'd defer reading the message and would let that job pass to a more senior person present. That was President Bush's cue to enter much to the delight and cheers of the soldiers present. "I can't think of a better bunch of guys I'd like to share a warm Thanksgiving supper with," Bush told the troops. After spending two and a half hours with the troops, Bush flew Air Force One back to the United Staes.

The Los Angeles Times reports that a mysterious dome 2,100 feet across and 100 feet high has formed below the waters of Yellowstone Lake in Yellowstone National Park. The US Geological Survey is currently using unmanned submarines and sonar to see if the bulge is a precursor to a hydrothermal explosion from the volcano below the crater of Yellowstone Lake. The Global Daily Planet is pleased to see that the US Geological Survey is not using manned submarines in conducting these tests. The Global Daily Planet is also urging Yogi Bear to leave the area immediately!

The Supreme Court of Georgia in Tbilisi has cancelled and annulled the results of the recent November 2nd parliamentary elections on grounds of fraud, a Supreme Court judge has announced on national television. The rigged election led to weeks of protests in the country and eventually brought down the government of Georgian President Eduard Shevardnadze who resigned on Monday. New parliamentary and presidential elections will be held early next year. It is expected that the next President of Georgia will be Mikhail Saakashvili, a 35-year old US trained lawyer who led the Opposition protests for much of the past month and who last Saturday led a group of demonstrators to storm the Georgian Parliament building while then President Eduard Shevardnadze was giving a speech.

The United Kingdom government has announced that it will be closing its Embassy in Sofia, Bulgaria tomorrow for security reasons.

The Government of Argentina has announced that it has received intelligence about possible terrorist attacks on US, British, Spanish and Israeli targets in the country. Terrorist bombs destroyed the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires in 1992. Then in 1994, terrorist bombs destroyed a Jewish cultural and community center in the Argentine capital. Both bombings were believed to be the result of a joint Iranian-al Qaeda terrorist plot.

Breaking news on our Global Daily Planet! Five New York subway workers are being treated for exposure to an "unknown substance". Emergency services are currently checking Manhattan southbound "F" line for the substance. An unknown odour was detected in a tunnel. The workers have been taken to hospital.

Global Daily Planet has discovered that the most popular Ramadan holiday selling toy in Arab toy stores in the Palestinian territories of the West Bank and Gaza (and no the Global Daily Planet isn't making this up as a piece of satire!) is a rubber figure of Osama bin Laden holding the Burning Twin Towers in his right hand and a smashed up Pentagon building in the other. Well with toys like this, it's no wonder that the unrepentant terrorist Yasser Arafat is so popular among the Palestinian people. As the motto and name of one American toy store says, "Toys R' Us".

Global Daily Planet has learned from intelligence sources that al Qaeda has published a dramatic warning over its electronic channels and websites. It says that the "countdown has now begun for the biggest operation ever carried out in the United States". The message adds ominously, "The big blow will fall very shortly."

This just in! A Florida company, Applied Digital Solutions has announced that it will be introducing a service that will allow consumers to pay for merchandise using microchips implanted under their skin. The company's VeriChip, a subdermal microchip that uses radio frequency signals to broadcast an identification number to a scanner, could someday replace all credit cards according to company spokesmen. People who are worried about the microchip becoming the Mark of the Beast from the Book of Revelation needn't worry say company spokesmen since people are chipped voluntarily under this new program. Funny that isn't what their Chief Executive Officer Scott Silverman said at the 2003 World ID Summit held in Paris last Friday. In Mr. Silverman's speech, he foresaw a world where everybody would have the chip implanted within them, a world which would be the ultimate in "Global Security". Nobody could enter buildings without the chip implanted in them in Mr. Silverman's vision because all building entrances would have special receivers that would shoot radio frequency ID information back and forth with the implanted subdermal microchips of people outside the building. This webcaster when he tried to post the story of Mr. Silverman's speech on his previous web site last Friday was prevented from doing so! It was obviously too hot a potato for some people to handle particularly web hosting services whose name is the same as a three pronged pitchfork looking instrument held by a demonic god of the sea (let's call the god Neptune or Poseidon!).

Global Daily Planet has discovered that the US Department of Homeland Security has issued a memo to law enforcement agencies that al Qaeda terrorists may try to spread deadly cyanide gas in US subways on the last day of Ramadan which this year corresponds with US Thanksgiving Day and the start of the regular Christmas holiday season.

In addition to analysing global events, the Global Daily Planet webcaster also enjoys making up his own jokes. Sometimes he gets inspiration from the most unusual sources. The one he made up fifteen minutes ago and posted for your enjoyment below (Hillary don't read this one!), he got when he received his one zillionth spam e-mail telling him to go to this site and view a certain film starring a certain individual (Hurry! View it now he was told in one pressing e-mail before her boyfriend's attorneys manage to get it off the Net!) and furthermore he is told he can view this film for free (Yeah! Right! I bet it's free).

You know former US President Bill Clinton who has become quite the jet setting world traveller ever since he left office, it occurs to the Global Daily Planet that Bill Clinton often stays at the best hotels while he's travelling. Therefore it occurs to the Global Daily Planet to ask this question, "Will Bill ever sleep inside a Paris Hilton?" (and not necessarily the one in France either!).

The Global Daily Planet gets its news for comments and analysis from newspapers, magazines and TV stations from all over the world. Today, however the Global Daily Planet picks up its first news story from a local bus ride in town. Someone was pointing to a slot in the bus's coin box and jokingly asked, "Is that for Smart Cards?" The bus driver replied that it was. They've had the slots and the technology for Smart Cards the past couple of years now the bus driver explained. Society however in North America wasn't quite ready yet for the type of Smart Cards that will eventually be brought into use the bus driver added. The Smart Card these particular swipe slots have been prepared for will not only deduct cash debit points off the card but also the card will be able to tell what bus and train routes as well as the times the individual card holder took that day. It has always been the belief of the Global Daily Planet that global society today is heading in the direction of a totalitarian Big Brother Orwellian global superstate. This is just one further indication of the direction in which the world is going. The process seems to have accelerated since 9/11 with the passage of such draconian legislation as the USA Patriot Act and the goosestepper SS Security style checkpoints you now have to go through at airports. In London, England, a Smart Card is being introduced in their transit system next year which will be able to keep track of the card holder's whereabouts at all times. What will it take in North America for society here to accept such a radical change? Last week, US General Tommy Franks said in a interview that if terrorists use a Weapon of Mass Destruction to destroy an American city, the US Constitution will probably be suspended in favour of a military form of government. In Orwell's novel, "1984", Big Brother controlled both the state and the supposed "rebels" against the state. Who are Muslim terrorist groups really helping? Allah or a future global Big Brother?

On our Global Daily Planet, China which started out on the world stage millenia ago as a civilization of innovation has returned to that role here in the 21st Century. Chinese researchers are successfully completing work on a "super DVD" format that will be called EVD (Enhanced Versatile Disc). The new format will be playable only on EVD players (that China alone will make) and promises 5 times the image quality of DVD movies and a higher computer data-storage capacity. The first EVD players for home consumers will become available in China next year. Chinese development on the EVD began in 1999. The China-developed EVD standard is one among several projects supported by the Chinese government to boost China's capacity to compete in a high-technology based global economy.

This just in! The Global Daily Planet has learned that the United Kingdom government may veto the new European Union Constitution next month when it comes to a vote because it is not satisfied with many of the clauses in the document. This will no doubt upset the French terribly since they were the ones who wrote the Constitution.

The Global Daily Planet has been informed through intelligence sources that Iran's timetable for nuclear weapons capability is far more advanced than the United States Central Intelligence Agency is willing to admit. Iran was able to significantly advance its timetable for nuclear weapons through help from China, North Korea and Pakistan over the past year. Starting next year, the Iranian nuclear facility at Kashan will be capable of producing 10 atomic bombs per year. No doubt Saddam Hussein is rolling over in his bunker at the news, "I get invaded and overthrown and the Iranians are 10 up on me."

This just in! The Global Daily Planet has been informed that the European Union is not going to publish its report on Anti-Semitism in Europe that it commissioned last year because it discovered that most of the perpetrators of anti-Jewish violence were Muslim. It feared the report would be discriminatory against Muslims if the fact that Muslims are the greatest proponents of anti-Jewish hatred and violence in Europe was revealed to the European public.

Stop the presses! And hold the peanut butter. The Global Daily Planet has just discovered that Saint Jimmy of Carter, the devout Baptist and former President of the United States has become the first ex-White House incumbent to write a sex scene in a novel (Already cries can be heard of "Doggone it Hillary! Once again, I'm not the first! I'm starting to feel more and more like Charlie Chan's Number Two son every day!").
Mr. Carter has written a novel entitled "The Hornet's Nest" set in the former President's native Georgia during the American War of Independence. The sex scene begins when the novel's hero Ethan Pratt crawls into bed and discovers that his wife is lying next to him. As Mr. Carter so vividly and passionately describes it in his single sentence description of what transpired, "That night, they tried some things they had never done before." (Well Mr. Carter's central characters are certainly well up on me. Last night I tried some things I had never done before and unfortunately not one of them involved sex).
If that's the extent of Mr. Carter's steamy sex scenes, then perhaps he should change the title of his novel from "The Hornet's Nest" to "Tempest In A Teapot".

And this just in, as the Global Daily Planet predicted last night, Georgian President Eduard Shevardnadze has been overthrown by his own people. The beseiged Georgian President resigned amid massive protests over the rigged results of Georgia's parliamentary elections held on November 2nd. Mr. Shevardnadze who had declared a state of emergency yesterday decided to resign when he realized the Georgian Army no longer supported him.
Russian Foreign Minister Igor Ivanov had flown into the Georgian capital of Tbilisi yesterday to mediate a peaceful resolution to the conflict. Mister Shevardnadze had tried to buy time for himself by offering to hold early Presidential elections (the next Presidential election in Georgia was scheduled for 2005) or re-hold the disputed parliamentary elections.
Instead Georgian Opposition leader Mikhail Saakashvili told Mr. Shevardnadze at talks mediated by Mr. Ivanov, "In the name of God, go!" (using an expression British Colonial Secretary Leo Amery told the lameduck British Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain at a cabinet meeting debating Chamberlain's possible resignation back in May, 1940 after France had just surrendered to the Nazis).
So Shevardnadze resigned and the presidential plane is now being fueled at Tbilisi Airport. Perhaps Eduard can find a job from his old friend Mikhail Gorbachev (if Gorby can forgive Shevardnadze for calling him a dictator back in December, 1990 and then promptly resigning from Gorby's cabinet as Soviet Foreign Minister) at the Gorbachev Foundation located at the former Presidio military base in beautiful bayside San Francisco.
News of Shevardnadze's resignation was greeted with cheers and fireworks lit up the night skies over Tbilisi. Thousands of flags bearing the Red Cross of Saint George (Patron Saint of Georgia and from whom Georgia derives its name) flew triumphantly through the streets of the capital. Good thing for them this was an Eastern European capital and not an American city or the ACLU (Anti-Christ Litigation Union) would be taking them to court and the various senile judges who seem to inhabit the benches of North American (and Western European) courtrooms these days would be sentencing them to six months in jail for displaying Christian symbols

This just in, the Global Daily Planet has been informed that the ruling Saudi Royal Family of the Arabian Peninsula is trying to negotiate an armistice with al-Qaeda. They had negotiated an earlier armistice with al-Qaeda back in the 1990s through the efforts of Prince Turki al-Faisal the then head of the Saudi Intelligence Services (now Saudi Ambassador to the United Kingdom in London, England). Under the terms of that earlier truce, the Saudi government agreed to provide al-Qaeda with financing if the terrorist group would only strike targets abroad and not strike targets within the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia itself. That arrangement held until this year. Following a bomb blast in a residential compound in the Saudi capital of Riyadh two weeks ago, Saudi Arabia's leadership met with supporters of Osama bin Laden at a three-day meeting in the city of Mecca last weekend. Acting head of state Crown Prince Abdullah and a group of more than 40 Saudi Islamic scholars met for mediation talks between the government and al-Qaeda. Present at the meeting was one of Osama bin Laden's mentors, the Muslim theologian Safar al-Hawali. al-Hawali is the Secretary-General of the so-called "Global Anti-Aggression Campaign" (a nice Orwellian euphemism there!) which was established in Egypt back in April of this year and promptly issued a declaration of war on "the Zionists and the American Administration". With the recent spate of bombings in the Turkish city of Istanbul (the former Byzantine capital of Constantinople), many political science analysts on terrorism believe that there's now a worldwide movement which for lack of a better term can be called "Global Jihad", a movement with no centralized head or structure but which is made up of various Muslim terrorist groups throughout the world such as al-Qaeda, the Turkish Great Islamic Eastern Raiders Front , and Jemmaah Islamiyah in southeast Asia. Their goal is to create chaos and havoc throughout the world in order to eventually bring about a global worldwide Islamic caliphate (in effect a Taliban style One World Government).

On our Daily Planet today, Georgian opposition parties led by main Opposition Party leader Mikhail Saakashvili stormed the Georgian Parliament in the nation's capital of Tbilisi while Georgian President Eduard Shevardnadze was speaking. President Shevardnadze fled the Parliament building surrounded by body guards and retreated to one of his fortified country estates outside Tbilisi. From his fortified estate, the Georgian President proclaimed a state of emergency. It's not known how much support Shevardnadze has among the Georgian Army and Police since they did not stop protesters from taking over the Parliament in the first place. Opposition leader Saakashvili has proclaimed the Opposition seizure of the Tbilisi Parliament the "Georgian Velvet Revolution" (The original Velvet Revolution was the name given to the bloodless revolution led by Czech playwright Vaclav Havel that overthrew the Communist government of Czechoslovakia through peaceful public protests in Prague's Wencelas Square back in November of 1989). Shevardnadze and the Saakashvili led Opposition have been at odds most of this past month over the results of last month's parliamentary elections in which Shevardnadze's party won a majority of seats but Saakashvili claims and some foreign observers agree that the elections were rigged by the government in favour of Shevardnadze's party. Russian Foreign Minister Igor Ivanov has arrived in Tbilisi to mediate the dispute. All in all, a sad end for Shevardnadze, a man who started out as a Gorbachev reformer back in the late '80s in the heady days of glasnost and perestroika and who as Soviet Foreign Minister ended the Cold War. Now he stands like the Stalinist dictators of Central and Eastern Europe back in that glorious autumn of 1989, about to be overthrown by his own people.

Our Daily Planet takes note of the fact that it was 40 years ago today that US President John F. Kennedy was assassinated. Was Lee Harvey Oswald the Lone Gunman? All sensible evidence seems to indicate that he was. Was he hired, ordered, or had an idea implanted in his mind through subliminal mind control to kill Kennedy? No absolutely 100% compelling evidence has been brought forth to indicate that this was indeed the case. Still it should be noted that in the higher degrees of Masonry, there is a ritual called The Killing of the King. The ritual is only a symbolic one. However there are instructions to carry out the ritual literally if higher level Masons believe such a killing or assassination can be used to produce a paradigm shift in the collective consciousness of a country, a paradigm shift that would be advantageous to the upper levels of Masonry (known as the Illuminati). And America has changed as a result of that assassination in Dallas 40 years ago. It has become a more violent society. The structure of the family has been lost. Belief in God has been changed from belief in an objective external Creator to belief in a subjective god of an individual's own creating. The concept that philosophers Ludwig Fuerbach and Karl Marx argued back in the 19th Century that man created God in his own image seemed to come true in the 1960s and the results of that have continued into this time period, the opening years of the 21st Century.