Global Daily Planet

This past January 21st marked the 80th Anniversary of the death of Soviet state founder Vladimir I. Lenin (they still haven't buried the chap face downwards yet so he can see where he is). Lenin is long dead, long live the Czar! The new Czar of Russia is, of course, Vladimir Putin. Putin is a direct descendant of one of the pre-Romanov Russian Czars. He has all of the characteristics of a Russian Czar; he is authoritarian, a strong Russian nationalist and patriot and he strongly promotes the interests of the Russian Orthodox Church. This year 2004 marks the 350th Anniversary of the signing of the Pereyaslav Treaty between Ukrainian Hetman Bohdan Khmelnytsky and Russian Czar Aleksey Mikhailovich. The treaty was signed in an effort to defeat the Poles and in practice united Ukraine with Russia. Ukraine has now been independent of Russia for more than 12 years. However that did not stop Russian President Vladimir Putin from visiting Kiev the Ukrainian capital this past January 23rd to 24th and meeting with Ukrainian President Leonid Kuchma to mark the 350th Anniversary of the signing of the Pereyaslav Treaty. While in Ukraine, Putin visited the Pecherska Lavra (the famous Monastery of the Caves) where he declared that it was on the Dnipro River that Prince Vladimir of Kiev first started to baptise Russians. The medieval state of Kievan Rus was the birthplace of Russia. Putin has returned to the Russian state's original roots to reclaim both the Russian past and the Russian future. Quite worthy of a Czar! Putin has also convinced Ukraine's Kuchma to help promote the union of the Ukrainian Orthodox Church with the Russian Orthodox Church. At the present time, the Ukrainian Orthodox Church is completely independent of its Russian counterpart. Kuchma says that he now supports the concept of a united Orthodox Church serving both Russia and Ukraine. With the union of Russian and Ukrainian Churches ahead, can the reunion of Russian and Ukrainian states be far behind? And will there one day be a Union of both State and Church again in Russia? If so, like the Czarist double-headed Phoenix symbol of Imperial Russia suggests, Imperial Czarist Russia will have arisen again from its ashes. And Vladimir Putin will be the one to thank. Most worthy indeed of a Czar!

It is now believed that Russia was 80% likely to have been the origin of the MyDoom computer worm. MyDoom has become the worst ever computer virus epidemic in the history of the Internet. The virus now infects an astounding one in five e-mails. The Russian computer security anti-virus firm Kaspersky Labs (the Russian equivalent of the American Symantec and British Sophos computer security anti-virus firms) said it has traced the first e-mails infected with MyDoom to addresses with Russian Internet Service Providers. MyDoom also known as NoVarg was first detected on the Internet this past Monday. On Wednesday, a new variant of the MyDoom virus was detected. That Wednesday variant of the MyDoom virus is now known as MyDoom.B while the original Monday virus is called MyDoom.A and the latest variant, MyDoom.B shows the sophistication of Russian virus creators. The original MyDoom.A and all previous virus worms infected computers by computer users clicking on and opening the attachments to e-mails. The MyDoom.B infects computers simply by computer users clicking on and opening the original e-mail. An expert from Kaspersky Labs said the creators of the virus were using infected computers to distribute unsolicited junk mail. Said Alexander Gostiyev, "The attack was very well planned and prepared, perhaps for several months and at least 1,000 computers were infected in advance." Gostiyev added, "The virus is of use to criminal groups seeking to distribute spam." Kaspersky Labs computer security expert Alexei Zernov added, "The virus creators have moved onto a commercial footing. They are financed by groups which make their money from spam." When the Virgin Mary was said to have prophecied at the Portuguese village of Fatima in 1917 that a day would come when Russia would spread its errors throughout the world, little did anyone know that She might be talking about computer viruses.

It was 355 years ago today that Charles I Stuart, King of England, Scotland and Ireland was beheaded by the Puritans of Oliver Cromwell. Cromwell began his seven year reign of tyranny as Lord Protector of Britain, a period in which the Irish people were severely persecuted. Some of the Puritans were Arian heretics including John Milton who wrote Paradise Lost. Milton believed that Christ was the Incarnation of the "first-begotten of Creation", a Demi-Urge with divine attributes but was not the Incarnation of the Eternal Second Person of the Eternal Holy Trinity for Milton did not believe in the Trinity. As for Cromwell, he was a Manichean heretic who believed the material world was intrinsically evil (contradicting the goodness of God's creation in Genesis). The execution of Charles I by this heretical pseudo-Christian version of the Taliban was indeed a dark day in British history.

As expected, Israeli soldiers blew up the house of the Palestinian terrorist scumbag Ali Jaara who caused yesterday's suicide bombing in Jerusalem. The Global Daily Planet has also discovered that the Palestinian Muslim terrorist group Hamas plans to seize power in the West Bank and Gaza Strip with the covert support of the Egyptian government. Hamas already pretty well controls the Gaza Strip and with Yasser Arafat's Palestinian Authority on the verge of disintegrating, it can take over the West Bank as well. No wonder Ariel Sharon is building a wall to fence in the Palestinians. Israeli intelligence probably knew Hamas was going to take over with Egyptian government support and so the best bet was to "annex" (through use of a wall) Jewish majority population areas of the West Bank and then let the Palestinian terrorists have a de facto state (one that isn't very economically and politically viable). Meanwhile the Lebanese terrorist group Hezbollah says it may kidnap more Israelis to get more Muslim terrorist prisoners released. Sharon warned Hezbollah about doing that saying Israel may respond with means it has not used in the past. Sharon may have reached the point where he realizes that now is the time for Israel to use Weapons of Mass Destruction (possibly low-grade radiation neutron bombs) against Israel's Arab enemies. Hamas Sheik Ahmed Yassin, the leaders of Hezbollah, Syrian President Bashar Assad and even Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak may soon realize what microwave nuked chicken wings feel like.

The man who started the whole David Kelly affair, BBC reporter Andrew Gilligan has resigned. Already BBC Chairman Gavyn Davies and BBC Director-General Greg Dyke have resigned their positions after Lord Hutton's report basically blamed the BBC for the circumstances that led to the death of British weapons expert Doctor David Kelly and left the Tony Blair government totally off the hook. However Mr. Gilligan did not go gently into that good night, saying of the Hutton Report, "This report casts a chill over all journalism, not just the BBC's." Welcome to the New World Order, Mr. Gilligan. In the Canada of Luciferian New Age Catholic globalist Paul Martin, the fascist RCMP have been raiding a woman reporter's home and going through her underwear because she wrote a story highly embarrassing to the country's Liberal government. Of course the fascist RCMP are only claiming to be doing this in the interest of national security as have many of the intelligence and police agencies in the western world so claimed when the Orwellian Big Brother society of "1984" came down with a new Soviet-style Iron Curtain after the terrorist attacks of 9/11.

This just in...about 20 Israeli military vehicles have entered the town of Bethlehem, home of the Palestinian terrorist scumbag who killed 10 people and wounded 50 others in Jerusalem this morning. Hopefully Israeli soldiers will blow up the man's home (which the Palestinians so richly deserve!) and ignore the usual whining and snivelling that comes from anti-Semitic Trotskyites all over the globe whenever the homes of one of the Palestinian terrorist scumbags is blown up. No doubt the pagan moon god Allah worshipping modern day Marcionite heretic conspiracy theorist Texe Marrs of Texas will weep tears for the Palestinian scumbag, Mr. Jaara but who cares? Hopefully the Israelis will also put the town of Bethlehem under Israeli military control. Arafat's IslamoNazi Palestinian Authority should not be ruling over Christ's Birthplace.

The Palestinian Muslim terrorist that killed 10 passengers on a bus and wounded 50 bystanders in Jerusalem early this morning has been identified as Ali Jaara, 24, a Palestinian policeman from the West Bank town of Bethlehem. Well it's really no surprise that a member of Yasser Arafat's security services would do Yasser Arafat's personal bidding.

As the Palestinian Authority deteriorates, the Palestinian terrorist leader Yasser Arafat's mental state continues to deteriorate as well. At one point this evening, the scumbag Mr. Arafat claimed personal responsibility for the suicide bomb attack on a bus that killed 10 people in Jerusalem just outside Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon's office. Most Mid-East observers always suspected that Mr. Arafat secretly approved of the Muslim jihadi suicide bomb attacks in Israel. However this is the first time Mr. Arafat has publicly claimed responsibility for one of them. No doubt Mr. Arafat is afflicted by the same senility bug that has affected such political notables as Canada's senile retarded former Prime Minister Jean Cretin and the senile Communist senator from Massachusetts, Sen. Teddy Kennedy. Anyhow this will give the Israelis the excuse they need to bomb Yasser Arafat's rat hole in Ramallah to kingdom come and send Mr. Arafat on a one way ticket straight to the fires of Hell.

Former US chief weapons hunter David Kay told the US Senate Armed Services Committee that there was a massive failure of US intelligence on the question of Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq. Very well put, David. Kay told the committee, "We were all wrong" and disputed suggestions that US intelligence was warped by political pressure from the Administration of US President George W. Bush (the same claim that BBC Correspondent Andrew Gilligan had made about the Tony Blair government and British Intelligence in claims that the Prime Minister's Office of Blair had "sexed up" the British dossier on Iraq's Weapons of Mass Destruction). Kay's answer didn't sit well with the obese and puffy faced Communist Senator from Massachusetts, Sen. Teddy Kennedy. Bellowed Kennedy, "Isn't it fair to say that the facts were manipulated?" Facts being manipulated? Sort of like driving your car off a bridge and killing a woman and managing to get away with it scott free? Is that, like, what you mean by manipulating facts, Sen. Kennedy?

Headlines from around the world said "Dyke quits". Of course the reports were about BBC Director-General Greg Dyke quitting 20 hours after the resignation of BBC Chairman Gavyn Davies as heads at the British Broadcasting Corporation continue to roll in the wake of the Lord Hutton report. However there must have been an anxious moment for lesbian blowhards around the globe as they wondered whether Rosie O' Donnel, k.d. lang or Ellen Degenerate had just quit.

Kofi Annan the Communist Secretary-General of the Communist United Nations has warned the partly fascist, partly Communist leadership of the partly fascist, partly Communist European Union in Brussels that the IslamoNazi Palestinian Authority is deteriorating rapidly (both economically and politically) and is in danger of imminent collapse. The Global Daily Planet says, "The sooner the better and good riddance."

Today British Judge Lord Hutton released his final report into the alleged suicide of British weapons expert Doctor David Kelly. Lord Hutton said the suggestion in BBC reports that the Tony Blair government "sexed up" its dossier on Iraq's weapons of mass destruction was "unfounded". Lord Hutton also criticized BBC Correspondent Andrew Gilligan's broadcasts of the claims of "sexing up" on the BBC Today program. As a result of the Hutton Report, BBC Chairman Gavyn Davies has resigned. So basically, Lord Hutton said that the BBC was more responsible for Doctor Kelly's "suicide" than the Prime Minister's Office of Tony Blair. So what this means is that there are probably more Freemasons (whose asses need covering) in the Prime Minister's Office than there are in the Executive Offices of the BBC. As for the BBC's Mister Andrew Gilligan, the Global Daily Planet has this to say, "Hopefully you'll realize that no man is an island, Gilligan." As for "sexing up" British government documents, better heed should be given to the title of a popular 1970s British comedy, "No Sex Please, We're British".

US forces are planning to take their offensive operation against Osama bin Laden's al-Qaida terrorist network to inside the border region of Pakistan. In the past, Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf has allowed only a small number of US military personnel within Pakistan's borders. Last week however, Musharraf announced that "We are reasonably sure that it is al-Qaida" behind two recent attacks on his life. The discovery of responsibility is believed to have paved the way for Musharraf's allowing the US military offensive within the borders of Pakistan. Wow, really great thinking on your part there, Osama, trying to bump off the President of Pakistan. Now the US gets to be in the Pakistani portion of the Baluchistan border region where you're hiding out. It would appear that, unlike Yahweh, the god Allah really doesn't endow his most fervent followers with too many brains.

A British soldier has been killed in a Muslim suicide bombing in Kabul, Afghanistan. Four other British soldiers were wounded as was an Afghan interpreter. Yesterday a Canadian soldier (or as the limpwristed pansy Canadian government called him a "peacekeeper" since the term soldier is too militant sounding to the Liberal pansies who govern Canada) was killed and three Canadian soldiers were wounded in another Muslim suicide bomb attack. The Taliban has claimed responsibility for both attacks. The Taliban has no doubt been watching the Muslim suicide attacks in Iraq and since the Taliban is incapable of beating the "coalition against terror" by straight out military frontal attack, Muslims, being the inherent losers and gutless cowards that they are, then resort to the only way they are able to successfully kill non-Muslims and that is to kill themselves taking non-Muslims with them in the process. Muslim terrorists in Afghanistan watch what Muslim terrorists do in Iraq and what Muslim terrorists do in Israel and since this is the Chinese New Year of the Monkey, the Muslim terrorist way of thinking is "Monkey see, monkey do".

A computer virus that was detected yesterday afternoon and is spreading via e-mail has been described by computer security experts as the largest virus outbreak in months. The malicious worm called MyDoom or NoVarg has clogged computer networks, mail servers and computer inboxes. It is apparently bigger and faster than the SoBig.F virus that hit the Net last August. SoBig at its peak infected one in every 17 e-mails and MyDoom is infecting an incredible one in 12 e-mails. The worm targets computers using Microsoft Windows programs (so what else is new? Proof positive that there's no justice in the world would be if Bill Gates were to be awarded an honourary knighthood from Queen Elizabeth II. Let's see what's the next news story on my list here? Oh! The Global Daily Planet recommends that if they're going to start taking Ten Commandments tablets out of courthouses, they better start doing the same to statues of Justice as well). No word yet on how the MyDoom virus got its name although there is speculation that it was inspired by Howard Dean's personal thoughts after he had finished his Iowa state caucus losing rant.

Television news projections show that Massachusetts Senator John Kerry has won the New Hampshire state primary over his nearest rival, ex-Vermont Governor and former frontrunner Howard Dean. It appears that 2004 US Democratic Presidential candidate Howard the Dean was about as successful as George Lucas' 1986 movie flop, "Howard the Duck".

Bartholomew I, the Orthodox Patriarch of Constantinople and titular head of the worldwide Orthodox Church consecrated the new St. Nicolas Orthodox Cathedral in Havana, Cuba yesterday with Cuban President Fidel Castro in attendance. Rather than speaking about Jesus Christ during the Cathedral's inaugural sermon, the Orthodox Patriarch of Constantinople instead called the US embargo of Cuba a "historic mistake". Rumour has it that the US Episcopal Church intends to declare Bartholomew I its head after listening to his sermon (Teddy Kennedy will also probably have Bartholomew (let's call him Barf for short!) named Chaplain to the US Senate and Jesse Jackson will undoubtedly name Barf Vice-President of the Rainbow Coalition). Barf's sermon in the Cathedral came exactly six years after a visit to the Communist island by Pope John Paul II, head of the Roman Catholic Church. On January 25th, 1998 the Pope called on the world to open up to Cuba and for Cuba to open up to the world. Robbie Burns is undoubtedly chuckling at the fact that church leaders are choosing to meet with agents of the Devil on his day, Robbie Burns Day (he'd probably write a sequel to his poem about the Devil and Tam o' Shanter and call it "The Devil and Prelates' Shandy"). January 25th is also the Feast Day of the Conversion of Saint Paul in the Church. Castro, unlike Saint Paul, is showing no signs of converting. After yesterday's sermon Patriarch Barf (who is considered the Successor of the Apostle Andrew) awarded the atheistic Marxist Cuban despot a Cross of the Order of Saint Andrew the Apostle (the real Apostle Andrew was probably rolling over in his grave). Castro is, of course, the Patron Saint of airhead Hollywood celebrities.

Happy Robbie Burns Day to all my Scottish friends!

At a ceremony held in the Georgian capital of Tbilisi, 36-year-old Mikhail Saakashvili has been sworn in as President of the Republic of Georgia. After a night spent praying at the tomb of King David the Builder, the monarch who first unified the duchies of the Caucasus into the nation of Georgia back in the 12th Century, Saakashvili was ready to take his oath of office outside the Georgian Parliament Building in Tbilisi where he had ousted Eduard Shevardnadze as President of Georgia back in November during the so-called Rose Revolution. During his Inaugural Address, Saakashvili said, "It is time we Georgians did not depend only on others...it is time we asked what Georgia will do for the world". If the senile Communist US Senator Teddy Kennedy heard those words translated for him, he'd probably say, "They sound very similar to words spoken by some anti-Communist US Democrat back in the 1960s when rather embarrassingly our Democratic Party was full of anti-Communists. Hm. I can't seem to recall who that was."

Muslims continue to show the world how well they are able to get along with other religions. Yesterday two Buddhist monks were killed by Muslim terrorists in the Muslim majority southern provinces of Thailand. The two monks were slashed in separate but near-simultaneous attacks by Muslim assailants riding motorcycles in Thailand's Yala province yesterday morning. The two monks were walking along the street receiving alms. A third monk was apparently stabbed in the back but was not killed. Last Thursday another Buddhist monk was fatally stabbed by Muslim terrorists in the southern Thai province of Narathiwat. Earlier this month, Thailand's Defense Minister warned a group of Thai soldiers and policemen that southeast Asian Muslim terrorist groups were going to be starting an all-out offensive to create a full-blown Islamic republic in Thailand's three southern most provinces by the end of 2005. The new Republic would probably show as much tolerance towards other religions as was shown by the Taliban regime in Afghanistan and the current scumbag Wahhabi House of Saud regime shows in Saudi Arabia. No word yet on whether US President George W. Bush has regurgitated the idiocy that "Islam is a religion of peace" in the last 24 hours.

Pepsi will dare for more but apparently the outfits will dare for less. Pepsi-Cola has unveiled what it calls its "Dare For More" ads that will run on Super Bowl Sunday, February 1st. The ads will include the titillating female pop stars Beyonce Knowles, Britney Spears and Pink in skimpy chain mail and gold-trimmed battle dress. The lone male pop star in the commercial will be Enrique Iglesias playing the role of an evil Roman emperor. I remember once last year I had a dream where I was a slave in Ancient Rome who worked his way up to becoming the top General in the Emperor's Imperial Army. Then when the good Emperor I worked for was slain by the evil commander of the Praetorian Guard who promptly proclaimed himself Emperor and announced the impending executions of numerous people including myself, I went up behind him while the evil ogre was delivering his long-winded speech and stabbed him in the back with my sword. When he fell to the ground subsequently dead, I proclaimed myself Emperor. Sadly I don't recall Beyonce Knowles, Britney Spears and Pink appearing in my dream. I do remember that my first act as Emperor was to proclaim a trillion dollar research program to find a cure for breast cancer (I wonder what it was I was drinking that night) and then I went to an African plateau overlooking an African plain where I watched giraffes and other African animals at play. Again sadly, no Beyonce Knowles, Britney Spears or Pink in tight fitting chain mail armour. George W. Bush better watch those pretzels carefully while he's watching the Super Bowl (particularly the Pepsi "Dare For More" ads) a week Sunday.

Mikhail Saakashvili will be sworn in tomorrow as President of the Republic of Georgia and at the age of 36 will become the youngest elected Head of State in Europe. Mr. Saakashvili won more than 96% of the vote this past January 4th after leading the so-called Rose Revolution against former Georgian President Eduard Shevardnadze who had tried to rig parliamentary elections in November. Tonight at a symbolic ceremony watched by cheering crowds, the president-elect laid his hand on the tomb of King David (who had united Georgia back in the 12th Century) at a monastery near Kutaisi (Georgia's second largest city) and made the following oath, "Standing at David's tomb we must say Georgia will unite, Georgia will become strong and will restore its integrity." The oath is an indication that the new Georgian leader intends to unite the separatist regions of Georgia with the national homeland. King David of Georgia must not be confused with King David of Israel. David of Georgia made Georgia a powerful medieval kingdom within Christendom while King David of Israel made Israel a powerful kingdom in the ancient Middle East. Also Israel's David as a boy slew Goliath the not so jolly green giant of the barbaric Philistines. King David of Georgia did not have to contend with the Philistines and their not so jolly green giants. US Secretary of State Colin Powell will be among the foreign dignitaries present at Mr. Saakashvili's inauguration. Speaking to reporters on his way to Tbilisi (the Georgian capital), Mr. Powell expressed strong support for the new President and insisted Moscow and Washington would not be vying for influence in Georgia. When the Global Daily Planet asked Mr. Powell why his nose was growing bigger, the Secretary of State had no response.

Sir Winston Churchill, one of the few sources of true wisdom in the 20th Century, thought that women shouldn't be allowed to vote because Winnie astutely observed that women tend to be quite a bit on the stupid side when it comes to matters of politics and political decision making. He thought women MPs were even worse. Winnie who was right when it came to most anything showed the wisdom of Solomon when it came to this question as well. Winnie's neverending wisdom and sound good judgement were confirmed by the recent airheaded remarks of airhead British Liberal Democrat MP Jenny Tonge (who is more tongue than brain and would have done well in the Clinton White House). The brainless Ms. Tonge told a meeting of the Westminster House of Commons that Palestinians engaged in terrorism because of the "everlasting humiliation" of the Israeli occupation. Ms. Tonge (whose hair grew blonder with each passing second she spoke) said, "If I had to live in that situation, I might just consider becoming one (a suicide bomber)." No doubt intelligent MPs in the British House of Commons were thinking to themselves, "Please do become one and spare us all." What Ms. Tonge failed to realize in her infinite stupidity was that her comrades in brainlessness and poor judgement, the Palestinians had their chance for a Palestinian state back in 2000. The then Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Barak generously offered them a state comprising all of the Gaza Strip, 95% of the West Bank and East Jerusalem as the capital. The Palestinians, being the total morons that they are, turned Barak down and launched the Second Intifada instead. Israel only launched the reoccupation of the West Bank (and gave the Palestinian people the humiliation they so richly deserve) after the scumbag Palestinian terrorist followers of the False God Allah and his False Prophet Mohammed started blowing themselves up and killing Jews in the process. It's not racist to say that the Palestinians are, as a whole, a stupid and intellectually challenged people incapable of forming good judgements in their own lives let alone governing a state. It's perfectly true. As George Costanza of "Seinfeld" fame might put it, "People this stupid don't deserve a homeland." And MPs as stupid as Jenny Tonge don't deserve to sit in the British House of Commons. Mister, we could use a man like Winston Churchill again.

US Secretary of State Colin Powell has now conceded that Iraq may not have possessed any weapons of mass destruction before the Iraq War began last year. His comments came a day after David Kay (the head of the US Weapons inspection team in Iraq) resigned because he did not believe that there were any weapons stockpiles to be found in Iraq. Mr. Powell made his comments on his way to the former Soviet republic of Georgia where US trained lawyer Mikhail Saakashvili will be inaugurated as President of Georgia on Robbie Burns Day tomorrow.

The Global Daily Planet has discovered that Anti-Defamation League Executive Director Abraham Foxman and his interfaith rabbi accomplice snuck into Mel Gibson's Orlando, Florida showing of "The Passion of the Christ" intended for Christian pastors posing and registering as pastoral representatives of The Church of Truth (how's that for irony from two people who reject the Gospels as truth?). If the popular television show "Seinfeld" was still on the air, one can imagine New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner sitting in his office talking to the ever neurotic George Costanza. Mr. Steinbrenner is sitting in his office itching and twitching in some ecclesiastical episcopal robes he borrowed from New Hampshire Episcopal Bishop Vicki Gene Robinson and telling George, "And guess what I just found out about Abraham Foxman? He isn't really a Christian pastor!"

The Pope, The Passion and the New World Order


In the continuing soap opera that is "The Pope, The Passion and the New World Order", the Catholic online news service, CathNews says that the Pope did offer praise for Mel Gibson's new film, "The Passion of the Christ". Said CathNews, "...it would now appear to be that the Pope did see the film and he did say the comment that was attributed to him ("It is as it was") but it was meant purely as private comment and not for public consumption." So the Vatican acting the role of a tantric sex practising yoga contortionist has adopted four different positions, the first was that the Pope said it ("It is as it was"), then the Pope didn't say it (his Polish Archbishop Secretary invented it), then the Pope didn't say it and neither did the Polish Archbishop Secretary ("Mel Gibson's co-producer invented the quote") and now yes, the Pope did say it ("It is as it was") but he never intended for it to be made public. The Vatican, trying to equal the number of sidesteps and backflips of the Clinton White House during the Intern Monica Affair, has yet to say, "Depends what you mean 'is' is." Late last night, Mel Gibson issued a statement answering the Vatican's latest claim that the Pope's remark was not intended for public consumption. Said Gibson: "We received written permission to publicize the Pope's comment on the film, It is as it was." The Global Daily Planet expects shortly that the Vatican will issue the following pronouncement, "The papal housekeeper should not have taught her dog (a heavily vodka drinking Russian wolfhound) how to write."

Anti-Defamation League Executive Director Abraham Foxman has finally come out of the closet and shown himself to be a Luciferian devil worshipping member of the Illuminati (the secret publicly unknown upper levels of Freemasonry above 33rd Degree whose goal is to produce a New World Order of some sort whether that New World Order is fascist/corporatist capitalist as favoured by Messrs. Bush and Cheney or whether it's Marxist/Trotskyite Communist as favoured by Mikhail Gorbachev, the United Nations and half of the leading US Democratic Presidential candidates--it doesn't matter which to the Illuminati since ultimately they'll control either one). Foxman and an interfaith rabbi friend of his, posing as evangelical Christian pastors, snuck into a private screening of the film "The Passion of the Christ" that Mel Gibson was showing to evangelical Protestant pastors down in Orlando, Florida. Unsurprisingly, the anti-Christian Foxman unequivocally condemned the film. Foxman attacked what he called the film's claims to historical accuracy since "the film runs contrary to Biblical scholarship and the teachings of Vatican II". In making this statement, Foxman shows his Illuminati colours since modern Biblical "scholarship" and the teachings of Vatican II are an important part of the Illuminati agenda. What Foxman means by "Biblical scholarship" is the heretical apostate invented hypotheses of 19th Century German Lutheran theologians (pompous pseudointellectuals with names like Julius Wellhausen, Bruno Bauer and Adolph Harnack) and their 20th Century successors, the heretical apostate 1930s German Lutheran theologian, Rudolf Bultmann and the early 20th Century Modernist Catholic heretics soundly condemned by Pope St. Pius X in his encyclical "Pascendi" and their successors, the heretical apostate Father Raymond Brown and numerous airhead nuns, priests and theologians who emerged in the American Catholic Church in the wake of Vatican II. The blasphemies expostulated by these types for a century and a half finally culminated in the satanic (Anti) Jesus Seminars of the 1990s where theologians the likes of John Dominic Crossan and Robert Funk turned post-modernist deconstructionist drivel into an Andy Warhol style Campbell's Chicken Soup can of unpalatable hogwash. Foxman prefers 150-year-old hogwash soup to the eternal bread of the Gospels.

At his Saint Agnes' Day address at the Vatican yesterday, Pope John Paul II cautioned world leaders against obtaining peace through the use of military force, a day after Bush defended his decision to invade Iraq. Of course the papal warning could also apply to certain leading anti-Semites high up in the governments of France, Germany and Russia who, in alliance with certain Middle Eastern countries, are planning an attack on Israel to create a Palestinian state through force. The Third Secret of Fatima, which John Paul II has read, in addition to prophecying widespread Apostasy in the Roman Catholic Church and in the Vatican itself, also prophecied a Russian attack on Israel (the Hebrew Prophet Ezekiel did the same millenia earlier). The Portuguese nun, Sister Lucy, who had the vision of the Third Secret, wrote down the secret in 1943 and placed it in a sealed envelope sent to the Vatican with the request that the secret be published in the year 1960 because by then the situation would have become clearer. I suppose it would have become clearer in 1960 since the State of Israel existed in 1960 and didn't in 1943.

Global Daily Planet researcher and correspondent Jack Morrow says that the State of the Union Address US President Bush delivered this past Tuesday "should more properly be called the State of the New World Order Address" since Bush spent more time talking about the world than he did the American Union.

Apparently on Monday night after the Iowa Democratic caucus final results had come in showing Massachusetts Senator John Kerry in first place with 38% of the vote, North Carolina Senator John Edwards second with 32% of the vote and former front runner and Ex-Vermont Governor Howard Dean in third place with a measly 18% of the vote, Dean apparently turned to a television news crew from Channel News Asia in Singapore and said, "I appear to have lost." If Sherlock Holmes had been upon the scene, he'd have probably commented, "Ah yes, Watson, a man with a brilliant grasp of the obvious."

The Church of England which is currently ruled by an ArchDruid as opposed to an ArchBishop is going to create even more of an ecumenical tempest in an Anglican teapot next month. A report urging that the Roman Catholic Pope be recognized as the "Universal Primate" of all the Christian Churches will be debated at the Church of England's General Synod this coming February. Many Church of England leaders anxious to promote church unity have welcomed the report. However the Rev. David Phillips the General Secretary of the evangelically inclined Church Society protests, "We would reject universal primacy even if the papacy is reformed. There is no way we would want to be linked to the Roman Catholic Church. On some issues, its teaching is even worse now than it was at the Reformation." Ah yes, let's call that even worse Roman Catholic teaching a bunch of Marxist existentialist pagan syncretistic New Age garbage (or Vatican II for short!). Since Church of England General Synods are rather dull stodgy and stuffy events, the Global Daily Planet is recommending that someone start a trust fund to pay the Rev. Ian Paisley's way from Belfast, Northern Ireland over to England to attend the General Synod of the Church of England when this particular report is being debated. That way a thousand years hence when some film projectionist accidently substitutes a World Wrestling Federation fight from the early 21st Century for a movie about the February 2004 Church of England General Synod, some future Roman Catholic Pontiff would comment, "It is as it was."

The Irish have always been a people who have gotten their priorities straight. Now that Ireland has assumed the Presidency of the European Union, the first thing the Irish plan to do is... put a ban on paying for sex...not just for themselves but for everyone (everyone in the European Union that is!). However, some experts say some European Union countries might not approve of a ban on paid-for sex. Yes, I imagine one...let's call it the Netherlands might have a few reservations (especially since brothels make up such a large portion of the country's Gross Domestic Product). What does the Global Daily Planet have to say on putting a ban on paying for sex?: God bless the Irish! God love them! Faith and begorrah! Happy Saint Patrick's Day all year round to everyone.

Another latebreaking development tonight on our Global Daily Planet...on the Vatican front... Mel Gibson's spokesman issued a statement late tonight that Vatican denials of the Pope commenting favourably on the film, "The Passion of the Christ" are not to be believed. The Pope was quoted by several sources as saying, "It is as it was" after viewing Gibson's film. Earlier today, the Catholic News Service, an arm of the heretical apostate liberal US Conference of Catholic Bishops reported that the Pope "never" made such a statement.

A latebreaking development tonight on our Global Daily Planet...on the US political front, Senator John Kerry of Massachusetts has won the Iowa State Democrat Party Caucus with 38% of the vote, Senator John Edwards of North Carolina is in second place with 32% of the vote and former front runner and ex-Vermont Governor Howard Dean came third taking a measly 18% of the vote. Dean tried to sound upbeat in defeat, "If you told me a year ago I would finish third in Iowa, I would have been delighted." Yeah but if they had told you that a month ago you would have crapped your pants in disappointment.

As reported last week by the Global Daily Planet, Mel Gibson's film "The Passion of the Christ" has started a furious row between traditionalist and liberal Catholics at the Vatican. Liberal Catholics are trying to say that the Pope never made the comment, "It is as it was" when the Pope viewed the film. Originally liberal Catholics tried to say that the Pope never said that but it was only words put into his mouth by the Pope's traditionalist Secretary, Archbishop Stanislaw Dziwisz who of course was "Polish and therefore had an agenda of his own he wanted to push". Why these so-called "tolerant" liberals think that Polish people are the only ones with an agenda is something better left to be analyzed by animal psychotherapists. These liberals are likewise forgetting that the Pope himself is Polish. Now the liberals have changed their tune and are making up quotes of their own not the Polish Archbishop. Now the liberal Catholic News Service Press Agency is reporting that the Archbishop says that he never said that the Pope said that. The account in the Catholic News Service report reads like lyrics out of a Gilbert and Sullivan operetta. Falling for the Catholic News Service report faster than a drunken hog falling down an outhouse hole was the New York Times' resident dirtbag and lowlife, Frank Rich. Positively oinking with glee, Rich blasted Gibson for using the "supposed" papal quote to promote the film. Snorted Rich, "What can be said without qualification is that the marketing of this film remains a masterpiece of ugliness typical of the cultural moment." Mr. Rich is no doubt an expert on ugliness after a lifetime of waking up and looking in the mirror each morning . However the fact is that Mr. Rich is one of those individuals who's stupid enough to think that the liberal Catholic press and liberal Catholic cardinals are prone to telling the truth when they make statements. Rich whines that he's "one of the many curious Jews" who has not been invited to screen "The Passion of the Christ". That's what this is really all about, isn't it Frank? You're one of the few cheapskate Jews who doesn't want to dole out your own money to see the film.

Former US President and ex-trainer of White House interns Bill Clinton has added a new job description to his resume: Muslim theologian. The zipper control problem king told a Muslim audience at a conference in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia that Islam's founder, Muhammad would have let women drive if cars had been around 1,400 years-ago. If your vision of the Arabian Nights entails some desert prophet speaking with an Arkansas accent and saying, "How you'd like to come into my car and play with my gear shift?", you can see what Bill was driving at. Clinton urged the Muslim Kingdom of Saudi Arabia which follows the wacko Wahhabi interpretation of Islam to change its laws. Saudi Arabia bars women from driving. However Clinton the new erect Muslim theologian of the 21st Century told his Jeddah audience that Muhammad would have let his wife get behind the wheel. Well that would depend if the Arabian Motor Vehicles Department was liberal enough to let six-year-old girls drive.

David and Frederick the British billionaire Barclay twins whose British empire includes the Ritz Hotel and the Scotsman newspaper are close to buying a controlling stake in Ravelston the private parent company of troubled media giant Hollinger International. Ravelston under the control of Canadian-born newspaper baron Lord Conrad Black of Crossover has a 78% stake in Hollinger Inc. This past Saturday, Black had been ousted as non-executive Chairman of Hollinger Inc. by a special committee that has also filed a suit to recover $200 million in unauthorized payments to Black and others. Black had been forced to step down as Chief Executive Officer of Hollinger Inc. on November 20th of last year as pressure mounted over the payments. If the sale goes ahead, the Barclay Brothers would gain controlling interest of the Daily Telegraph, the Sunday Telegraph, the Chicago Sun-Times and the Jerusalem Post. Think of what Charles Foster Kane would have been able to accomplish in that Orson Welles film if he had only had a twin brother. But would they have had a falling out over who owned the sled?

During the Second World War after the surrender of France as Churchill and Hitler squared off over the future of Europe, the following comment was made by one leader about the other, "This guy is running like a madman all over Europe creating chaos and havoc in his wake wherever he goes." One would think upon reading that statement, that was Churchill's description of Hitler. It wasn't. It was a direct quote by Hitler made about Churchill back in the summer of 1940. So it really should be no surprise that Frank Griswold the heretical, apostate and Luciferian devil worshipping Presiding Bishop of the US Episcopal Church made the following statement of satanically hot air in his Sunday sermon last week, "Those who believe the Bible condemns homosexuality are deceived and Satan frequently masquerades as an angel of light." No doubt Bishop Griswold will think I'm extremely judgemental for saying this (I'm going to say it anyway!) but I think Bishop Griswold is a thoroughly evil man and an utterly reprehensible pathetic excuse for a human being (and I say that with all due respect!). The man's soul comes from the very pit of Hell itself. I urge Episcopalians to be wary of this slithering serpent dressed in fine episcopal garments but underneath his shimmering glittering ecclesiastical robes are nothing but dead men's bones. I'd advise Episcopalians to leave the Episcopal Church which has become a Hellhole crawling and infested with worms, scorpions, snakes and all manner of unclean things. Bishop Griswold intends to drag you down to Hell with him. The bishop is right about Satan masquerading as an angel of light. Satan leaves it to a minor inferior cloven hoofed demon to masquerade as an Episcopalian bishop.

Illuminati agents have shown themselves as capable of manipulating the Muslim masses as they are at manipulating the hordes of brain-dead, hate-filled, nose-pierced anarcho-losers who vandalize property at anti-globalization protests worldwide. The atheist President of France Jacques Chirac is trying to bring in legislation to ban the wearing of Muslim veils, Jewish yamulkas and large Christian crosses in public schools. Such asinine legislation is typical of Mr. Chirac and should be answered by French voters. However the Illuminati want a New World Order and like their New Age Movement counterparts whose slogan is "Think Globally, Act Locally", they are wanting to facilitate a Mother Gaia cosmic global consciousness on the minds of the peoples of the world in an effort to erase patriotism and eventually national borders and boundaries. So what should be a French issue has become a global issue and yesterday Muslims all over Europe, Canada, the Middle East and Asia were out demonstrating all over the place with women wearing veils (Hey Muslim women, you're not at all ugly most of you. There's no reason to do that! I can think of certain locales--let's call one Bill Smith City!--where the resident local women should be required to do that by law or better yet wear paper bags over their heads as required by law). A global protest against a French law--what better way to get people to think globally. The opinion of the Global Daily Planet is this: Leave France to the French! Leave Paris to the Parisians! And leave the other Paris to living the Simple Life which consists of having videos posted on the Internet with a neverending spam of e-mails sent out to recipients inviting them to watch.

And for those of you who need a laugh for the day...this just in... Britney Spears told an MTV interviewer that she believes in the sanctity of marriage.

Pope John Paul II called for an end to war tonight while hosting a concert to reconcile the religions of Judaism, Christianity and Islam (Somehow it's hard to picture Yahweh the Creator of the Universe carrying on a conversation with Allah the ancient moon god of the Arabian Peninsula, "So is the moon really made out of green cheese?"). However in an age of deconstructionist philosophy (what should be called the Age of Irrationality), anything goes as the old Cole Porter lyrics went. The concert held at the Vatican was called the Concert for Reconciliation. The Pope was flanked by Rome's Chief Rabbi and Chief Imam at the concert. Sir Gilbert Levene conducted the Pittsburgh Symphony Orchestra and choruses from Turkey, the United States, Britain and the Pope's native Poland performed. The concert marked the world premiere of "Abraham" a work by contemporary American composer John Harbison. The effort at reconciliation obviously did not extend to MTV audiences as neither a scantily clad Britney Spears or Mariah Carey could be seen at the concert. Rumour has it that one of Osama bin Laden's supporters would have dropped in on the Reconciliation concert if he had only been able to catch a plane.

The backwards opposition Islamist Party in the backwards country of Malaysia doesn't want the beautiful American singer Mariah Carey to wear sexy clothing when she performs at a concert to be held at Kuala Lumpur Stadium in the Malaysian capital on February 22nd. Better think about that again, fellas. If you're acting the puritan ascetic in this life because you think you've got a chance to get it on with the dark-eyed houri in the next, you're in for a real shock. You''ll be busy roasting away on spits and getting jabbed by pitchforks while you're busy screaming, "Where are the dark-eyed virgins that Mohammed promised us?".

Pope John Paul II met with the two Chief Rabbis of Israel today as part of the Pope's efforts to reconcile all religions. The two Chief Rabbis asked the Pope for artifacts from the Second Temple (which was destroyed in 70 AD by Titus with the Roman General and later Emperor looting the Temple's treasures and taking them back to Rome) which are believed to be in the Vatican Museum and Archives. It is not known what response the Rabbis got. Pope John Paul II will meet with US Vice-President Dick Cheney next week. No doubt they will compare notes on who's going to get to the New World Order first.

For what it's worth, former US Vice-President Al Gore gave a speech today in New York on the perils of global warming in what amounted to the coldest day in New England in half a century! Gore made the case for warming on a day meteorologists said had the coldest temperatures in Boston since 1957 with wind chills in parts of New England going to 100 degrees below zero. Al Gore the man who said he served as the personal inspiration for the movie "Love Story" is now serving as the inspiration for the remake of the Jim Carrey film, "Dumb and Dumber".

US President George W. Bush claims to be a "born-again Christian" even though his Administration acts like George Orwell's 1984 totalitarian Big Brother state with each passing day. In addition, Bush does nothing other than mouth platitudes in trying to stop the satanic demonic agendas of abortion and sodomy that are hoisted upon America through the likes of Luciferian devil worshipping judges and Trotskyite fat slobs like Senator Teddy Kennedy. Yes, Bush does nothing to stop abortion or the sodomites but he is willing to bend over to get tax cuts passed for the rich. Now that America is in a severe deficit situation through idiocies like tax cuts for the rich and the US dollar is only being kept afloat through the actions of the Chinese Central Bank (that's Communist China's Central Bank), Bush now proposes to throw away even more billions by putting a man on the moon again by 2020 at the latest and eventually putting a man on Mars. It's no wonder that two evangelical Christian organizations, the Philadelphia-based Repent America and the South Carolina-based Columbia Christians For Life have started a new web site called "BushRevealed.Com" in which they are telling American Christians not to be taken in by Yale Skull and Bonesman Bush. Just as that evil "hunter against the Lord" named Nimrod proposed building a city and a tower to reach the heavens, so Bush is proposing to build a ship and a colony that will reach the heavens.

American radio commentator Paul Harvey is fond of using the expression, "It's not one world", particularly when he's mentioning some news item in relation to one of the backward countries of the Third World. Well it turns out that backward tribal elders in the backward province of Sindh in the backward country of Pakistan want to murder a 22-year-old woman, Shaista Almani because she married a man from a different tribe. The backward tribal elders want her murdered in what they backwardly call an "honour killing" because they claim she insulted her own tribe by marrying someone outside it. However Pakistani President Pervez Musharaff (no doubt very embarassed by the sheer backwardness of the country he rules over) has ordered authorities in the backward province of Sindh to protect Mrs. Almani from physical harm. There were over 450 so-called "honour killings" in the backward country of Pakistan last year. It's not one world.

In Canada under the Antichrist atheist Jean Cretin and continuing under his Luciferian New Age Catholic successor, Paul Martin, all guns must be registered (making it easier for the government to confiscate civilian firearms when the need arises). Now the Bush Administration in the US is laying the groundwork for something that was tried once before (but only in the depths of the Depression), gold confiscation. Within two months, gold brokers and jewellers in the United States will be required to report to the US Treasury Department's Financial Crimes Enforcement Network any time one of their customers buys $50,000 in gold or precious stones. At the recent Monterrey Summit of the Americas many Latin American countries expressed weariness about joining in a total free trade zone with North America, something George W. Bush is anxious to see happen by the start of next year. With Bush's America seeking to dictate the lives of its citizens and even seeking to dictate how foreign airlines operate, now is not the time to be crawling into bed with Big Brother in Washington. It's rather foretelling that the symbol for the Monterrey Summit of the Americas meeting was that of the Sun rising above a Mexican pyramid. It looks rather suspiciously like the Eye of Horus rising to become the capstone of an Egyptian pyramid, the symbol of the Illuminati upper levels of Freemasonry and the symbol that appears on the US dollar bill (Annuit Coeptus Novus Ordo Seclorum--Announcing the New Order of the Ages or Announcing the New World Order). The Eye of Horus or the "All-Seeing Eye" was the symbol of the world's first secret service intelligence agency established in Ancient Egypt millenia ago by Ancient Egypt's greatest scientist, Imhotep who was also the country's Prime Minister. That's why Egyptian oracles were so deadly accurate in addressing citizens of the ancient world who made pilgrimages to them. The voices of the priests behind the oracles just used the information collected on each enquirer by Imhotep's massive worldwide intelligence network. Monterrey is really a case of "Back To The Future"--back to the Sphinx of Ancient Egypt.

At the recent Summit of the Americas held in Monterrey, Mexico earlier this week, US President George W. Bush, in an obvious slap against Cuba's Fidel Castro, Venezuela's Hugo Chavez and Haiti's Jean Bertrand Aristide, said, "Dictatorship has no place in the Americas." Having made that statement, the Bush Administration then announced plans to colour code every passenger who flies a commercial airliner in the United States. Airlines and airline reservation companies would be forced to turn over all passenger records to US government officials. The government would be in charge of assigning colour codes to each passenger and determining who can fly and who cannot fly. Frequent flyers could receive special passes from the government to allow faster check-in but only if they are willing to allow the government to access their personal information. Well now we know why the capture of Iraq's Saddam Hussein was codenamed "Operation Red Dawn", it would mark the beginning of a Stalinist Red Dawn across the United States of America. Robespierre, Beria, Ridge and Ashcroft--these names will probably be mentioned in the same breath for millenia to come. In the meantime, George W. better take the large wooden beam out of his eye in Monterrey before he seeks to remove the motes of dust from the eyes of Castro, Chavez and Aristide.

After a private dinner, Democratic Presidential candidate Wesley Clark received the endorsement of rock music's Material Girl, Madonna. It turns out the former Commander of NATO shares a mutual interest with Britney Spears' recent kissing partner--Jewish Kabbalistic mysticism. Clark claims he's studied all the great religions of the world; Christianity, Buddhism, Islam, Judaism, Hinduism and Kabbalism and claims they're essentially the same. Clark was raised Jewish and converted to Catholicism but now attends a Presbyterian church. Clark has all the qualifications to make him the New Age Maitreya which no doubt explains why he received the endorsement of this age's Madonna who should more appropriately be called the Whore of Babylon. Madonna's previous political experience was forming an alliance of celebrities with Hustler publisher Larry Flynt to save then US President Bill Clinton from impeachment back in the late 1990s (the group was unofficially called "Sluts and Pornographers for Clinton"--wouldn't Bill's mother have been proud?). So far the Global Daily Planet still has not been able to determine whether Madonna left the private dinner with Clark singing the lyrics, "Like a virgin...cut for the very first time."

2000 Democratic Party Presidential candidate Al Gore proudly boasted that he was the personal inspiration behind the 1970s film, "Love Story" (Bill Clinton wasn't President of the US in the 1970s so he could never claim credit for inspiring the 1970s film "Deep Throat"). Now just four years later another Democratic Party Presidential candidate is trying to distance himself from a movie role he played back in the early '80s. The Internet Movie Database lists a Howard Dean as having been in the cast of "Ninja III: The Domination" an obscure 1984 flick about an aerobics instructor possessed by a ninja spirit. Ex-Vermont Governor Howard Dean denies that he was the Howard Dean in that movie. Dean is anxious to put the ninja genie back in the bottle and who can blame him? Somebody possessed by a ninja spirit would probably do weird things like claiming to be a believer in Jesus while being pro-abortion, pro-sodomite and pro-euthanasia. He'd probably leave his church over such a major theological issue as a bicycle path. So put the ninja genie back in the Dick Gephardt closet where the story probably originated. Howard Dean, Democratic Presidential Candidate of the year 2004 wasn't the Howard Dean in 1984's "Ninja III: The Domination". Nor did Mr. Dean appear in any other "domination" films for that matter--he is not the High School Principal Howard Dean in the Internet film, "Spanking Teen Age Brandi".

Meanwhile it turns out that the Wahhabi Kingdom of Saudi Arabia whom US President George W. Bush hails as a great and worthy "ally" in the War On Terror turns out to have frozen only 4% of the Saudi money flowing to Osama bin Laden's al Qaeda terror network according to intelligence reports released today.

Former US Treasury Secretary Paul O' Neill in a new book out entitled "The Price of Loyalty" claims that George W. Bush wanted to oust Saddam Hussein as President of Iraq from Day One of the Bush Administration.

Last year, Mel Gibson's unreleased film, "The Passion of Christ" ignited a fierce debate in the United States. Attacking the unreleased film were a group of heretical apostate unbelieving self-proclaimed "scholars" on the Bible who claimed the film was flawed because it believed the Gospel accounts of Christ's Trial, Death and Resurrection as being history. The group of self-proclaimed "scholars" claimed to be speaking on behalf of the apostate liberal US Conference of Catholic bishops (The Conference later distanced themselves from the group after Mel Gibson threatened to sue them). However the group of "scholars" (the most obnoxious of which was some airhead peroxide blonde nun who found it impossible to shut up) was abetted in their task by Anti-Defamation League Executive Director Abraham Foxman, an angry constipated Jew who spent the better part of his working days defaming the character of Mel Gibson and attacking the historicity of the Gospels (for which he found himself much admired by apostate liberal churchmen and theologians everywhere). Now the debate over the film has shifted to the Vatican where it is turning into a debate between traditionalist Catholics (those who believe that Jesus is the sole and unique Incarnation of the Second Person of the Holy Trinity) and liberal Catholics (those who believe that Christ was just one of many Avatars sent by the great Big Electromagnetic Energy Force in the Sky to guide humanity into higher stages of consciousness and evolution). Liberal Catholics are apparently furious that Pope John Paul II said, after viewing Gibson's film during a private screening, "It is as it was." The film shows Christ being both Crucified and also Resurrected. Since the worshippers of the pagan moon god Allah and his lusting after six-year-old girls Prophet Mohammed do not believe that Christ was Crucified or Resurrected, how can liberal Catholics possibly engage in an orgy of interfaith dialogue with Mohammedans if the head of their Church positively praises a film that is so culturally insensitive to Muslim beliefs and feelings?
The liberal Catholics are now saying that the Pope never said that. It was words put into the mouth of the Pope and leaked to the media by traditionalist Catholics in the Vatican. Traditionalist Catholics could respond that the Pope never called for a New World Order (something so beloved by liberal Catholics who plan to unapologetically kiss the butt of the Maitreya, history's final avatar when the New World Order finally arrives) on New Year's Day either. It was just something put into his mouth by liberal Catholics. However traditionalist Catholics aren't as silly as their liberal counterparts so they probably won't make this claim.

Who would have thought when Mel Gibson made this film, it would become a football between two groups contending for the next Papacy? Will the next Pope believe that Jesus is solely and uniquely the Incarnation of the Eternal Word of God? Or will the next Pope believe that Jesus is just one among many cosmic avatars? The apostate heretical liberal Catholic Father John Pawlikowksi, President of the International Council of Christians and Jews, says the question is whether Vatican II shall go forward or backward. Those who want Vatican II disbanded love the film, "The Passion of Christ". Those who want to see Vatican II move ahead detest the film. Rumours have abounded for years that part of the Third Secret of Fatima was that the Vatican in Rome would apostasize from the Faith and become the Seat of Antichrist. No wonder why last October the liberal Catholics who are in charge of the Fatima shrine in Portugal announced that they are turning it into an interfaith ecumenical Disneyland where tribal witch doctors can come and practice their sorcery.

The Global Daily Planet has learned that Communist China almost went to war over Taiwan last year. Because of Taiwanese President Chen Shui-bian's threats to hold a referendum on outright independence for the island last year, mainland Chinese officials at the highest levels told US diplomats that a war over Taiwan was likely in a matter of months. The Bush Administration pressured Taiwan not to do anything so provocative. Now the referendum has been changed to asking China to remove its 496 ballistic missiles aimed at Taiwan (a referendum Beijing is still unhappy about but does not provoke the same fury as a referendum on outright independence for the island of Taiwan). In return for the Bush Administration's help in putting the leash on Taiwan, the Chinese Central Bank has been bailing out the US dollar, buying up US securities at low rates of return (a practise that the Europeans abandoned long ago).

This just in...Danish troops have found chemical weapons in Iraq, thus showing what total idiots the cowardly French, the Communist New Age United Nations, the left-wing liberal bozos and limp-wristed pacifist pansies are. Danish troops have found dozens of mortar shells in southern Iraq that contain chemical weapons according to initial tests. Thirty-six 120mm mortar rounds showed traces of blister gases, a group of chemical compounds which include mustard gas. So while the French (who have never quite cut the mustard when it comes to fighting) will undoubtedly come down with gas upon hearing this announcement, British Prime Minister Tony Blair will probably be ordering a Danish when he hears the news.

North Korea says it has shown its nuclear deterrent to an unofficial delegation from the United States. The delegation, led by Stanford University Professor Emeritus John Lewis, were the first group from outside North Korea to see the Yongbyon facility since North Korea expelled UN inspectors at the end of 2002. The delegation will report their findings to Washington. If the US Air Force does bomb the Yongbyon facility in a pre-emptive strike, this would be in clear violation of North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il's recent countrywide "No Smoking" ban.

One thing about being a Stalinist despot which really helps to inflate one's ego is that whatever you do, other people are forced...er inclined to do as well. And whatever you don't do, other people are forced...er inclined not to do as well. So when North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il made it his New Year's resolution to quit smoking this year, he immediately called on his people to follow suit. No doubt in the world's only officially atheistic state (better known as North Korea), North Koreans are down on their knees praying to God that the Dear Leader (which is Kim Jong-il's official title) will not feel inclined to renounce sex in the near or distant future.

The Global Daily Planet has been informed (via the efforts of modern-day 221B Baker Street correspondent Jack Morrow) that Episcopal Bishop John Chane of the Washington National Cathedral in the US titled his Christmas Day sermon, "What was God thinking when the angel Gabriel was sent by God to reveal the sacred Quran to the Prophet Muhammad?" In even posing such a question to serve as the topic for his Christmas Day sermon, the bishop was operating on the blatant assumption that God is as stupid as an Episcopalian bishop. God, unlike the intellectually challenged Bishop Chane, would realize that the Koran denies the Trinitarian God, the Deity and Vicarious Death of Jesus Christ, and salvation by grace without works not to mention numerous other teachings of the Holy Bible. Rumour has it that Bishop Chane intends to title his Easter Day sermon this year, "What was God thinking when he sent the angel Moroni (an angel who was totally illiterate when it came to reading Egyptian hieroglyphs) to reveal the Book of Mormon to Joseph Smith, Jr. while disguised as the ghost of a white salamander?".

The Global Daily Planet has discovered that the neo-Nazi Muslim mullahs who govern Iran are taking advantage of the earthquake-hit city of Bam to ship arms to the Lebanese terrorist group Hezbollah. Syrian planes that are flying humanitarian aid to Iran are returning to Damascus with missiles and other weapons for the Shi'ite Muslim terrorist group Hezbollah. The weapons are put on trucks and driven to Lebanon. Meanwhile the brainless idiots who make up the brainless European Union are demanding that Israel accept the so-called "peace" overtures that are being made to her by Syria's scumbag despot Bashar Assad. When Assad engages in operations like these with the scumbag Iranian mullahs, it shows that, like the Palestinian terrorist leader Yasser Arafat, he's not really genuinely interested in peace. Rumour has it that Pope John Paul II intends to canonize Neville Chamberlain as the Patron Saint of the European Union later this year.

More evidence of the growing alliance between Muslim jihadis and neo-Nazis. A just-finished, very large Islamist conference in Toronto, Ontario, Canada that attracted 7,000 participants called "Reviving the Islamic Spirit" hosted an American neo-Nazi named William W. Baker. Although Baker was the chairman of a neo-Nazi organization called the Populist Party back in 1984, Baker managed to land a job at New Age nutcase (and supposedly evangelical Christian) Rev. Robert H. Schuller's famed Crystal Cathedral in California. Baker was in charge of ecumenical and inter-faith dialogue for the Cathedral. When Baker's neo-Nazi background was exposed in the Orange County Weekly back in February, 2002, Schuller expelled Baker from the Cathedral. We doubt very much whether the worshippers of the pagan Arabian moon god Hubal (better known as Allah) will be disfellowshipping Baker.

The Global Daily Planet has learned that Libyan leader Col. Moammar Gadhafi (who has multitudinous spellings of his last name) admitted as far back as July 6th, 1993 that Libya was responsible for the downing of Pan Am Flight 103 over Lockerbie, Scotland back on December 21st, 1988. Gadhafi admitted responsibility for the downing in a secret message he sent July 6th, 1993 to the Director of the CIA in Washington, DC. Gadhafi said the plan was an Iranian sponsored retaliatory terrorist attack for the downing of a civilian Iran Air Airbus by the US Navy back in the summer of 1988. Gadhafi explained that Iranian Intelligence subcontracted the job to the Syrian Intelligence Service which in turn subcontracted the job to the Libyan Mukhabarat (Secret Service). Well it's interesting to see how Muslim terrorist intelligence services operate: they operate on the same basis as capitalist automobile manufacturing companies.

Tomorrow Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will use a champagne bottle and will officially launch the new Queen Mary II, the world's largest passenger cruise ship. The Queen Mary II will begin its maiden voyage from Southampton to New York on January 12th.

Yet another reason why the dreary religion of Islam is so dreary...in the dreary Islamic state of Terengganu in the dreary Islamic country of Malaysia, even non-Muslim women have been banned from wearing mini skirts or figure-hugging dresses to work. Analysis from Doctor Freud Dolittle on the mental state of that despicable desert rat, Osama bin Laden...he's a sexually frustrated turbaned clown!

Yesterday's "Daily Mirror" newspaper in London, England revealed the name of the man Princess Diana believed was trying to kill her. Last year her loyal valet and butler, Paul Burrell released a letter that Princess Di had written almost a year before her death in which she said some man was trying to kill her. He would arrange for her death making it look like a car accident according to the Princess' letter. Princess Diana was killed in a car crash in a tunnel in Paris, France back in August, 1997. When the letter was first released by Paul Burrell last year, the name of Di's would-be killer was whited out. Now it has been revealed by the Daily Mirror...drum roll please! (and an egg roll as well since I'm starting to get hungry): the name of the man was...Charles Prince of Wales! It looks like this is another Royal Mystery for the heavily brandy drinking Saint Bernard dog owned by the Woo family of Ritchie By The Mill Creek to investigate!

Today is Sherlock Holmes' 150th birthday.

In today's World Net Daily, columnist Joseph Farah has a good point when it comes to analyzing the campaign of pro-abortion pro-sodomite pro-euthanasia far Leftist liberal Democrat Howard Dean. Too many people are writing off Howard Dean as a second George McGovern. George McGovern was the anti-War far Leftist liberal Democratic Presidential candidate who was absolutely clobbered by Republican President Richard M. Nixon in the 1972 US Presidential election. McGovern won in only one state, the People's Republic of Massachusetts (the same state that consistently re-elects as Senator the US Senate's resident fat slob, Sen. Teddy Kennedy, the only man in US politics who is able to justifiably use Greenpeace "Save The Whale" stickers on his re-election campaign signs). Farah wisely notes that the American voters of today are not the American voters of 1972. Writes Farah: "A growing number of Americans are fat, lazy, immoral and stupid. That's the ace-in-the-hole of the Dean candidacy." Indeed it is. The fact that America's Canadian cousins are much the same was the electoral ace-in-the-hole of Prime Minister Jean Cretin for ten years and will likely ensure Paul Martin winning an election this spring. And if Teddy Kennedy wasn't so stupid, he'd run for President this year because Teddy is truly the personification in every way of the early 21st Century North American voter.

An organization of far-Left political scumbags, the ironically named MoveOn.org (Ironically named because these people are incapable of moving on. They are now and shall ever remain---scumbags!) has run a couple of TV ads showing Adolf Hitler metamorphing into George W. Bush and vice-versa! MoveOn.org has for its major donor the billionaire Hungarian self-proclaimed philanthropist George Soros a man who has made his billions in the sordid world of currency speculation and now claims he loves humanity so much that he's trying to defeat George W. Bush (well no doubt Osama and Saddam shall love Soros for that!). In financing an organization that uses no real proof but emotion to show Bush as a second Hitler, Soros is showing himself to be a second Goebbels.

Italian anarchists have definitely moved beyond the realm of spaghetti Westerns. And the weapons they're carrying are definitely more lethal than meatballs (unless of course they're the meatballs prepared by Signor Harry at the Marco Polo Pizzeria and Chow Mein Palace). Italian anarchists have sent letter bombs to three members of the European Parliament. Two of those letter bombs exploded at offices in England and Belgium. Two packages, addressed to British MEP Gary Titley in Manchester and German MEP Hans-Gert Poettering in Brussels, both burst into flames when opened. A third device failed to explode and other parcels are now being checked. The packages, all sent from Bologna in Italy, are believed to be linked to a spate of letter bombs that were sent to senior European Union leaders in December. German MEP Hans-Gert Poettering who received the first letter bomb sent to an MEP today is the head of the European People's Party in the European Parliament. The letter bomb emitted a bang and caught fire when it was being opened but nobody was hurt. A second identical package that had been sent to Jose Ignacio Salafranca (head of the Spanish conservatives in the European Parliament) was not opened and was handed over to the Belgian Police instead. The Global Daily Planet has been told that investigators are looking at the possibility that Italian anarchists are behind the bombing (Well duh!---yeah! Hercule Poirots these modern day Belgian detectives ain't! Is that an explosion I hear and a fire I see coming from Belgian Police Headquarters?). British MEP Gary Titley is the head of the Labour Party Group in the European Parliament. The package sent to his Manchester office burst into flames today when it was opened by his secretary. No one was hurt in that incident either. A previously unknown Italian group calling itself the Informal Anarchist Federation, based in Bologna, claimed responsibility for the late December mail bombings. All letter bombings so far bare the postal date "December 22nd, 2003" and the postal mark "Bologna, Italy". Hint to the Belgian police: Since these guys call themselves "Informal Anarchists", look for Italians who aren't wearing suits and ties. Also if these guys were serious genuine textbook students of postmodern deconstructionist philosophy (or not so serious students of Monty Python), they'd probably call themselves the "Orderly Anarchist League".

More on the case that Doctor John Watson MD would have called the "Adventure of the Princess, the Animal Psychologist and the Pathological Bull Terrier". As was reported in yesterday's Global Daily Planet, Doctor Roger Mugford, an animal psychologist from Surrey has been called to Her Majesty the Queen's Sandringham estate in Norfolk, England to treat Florence, Princess Anne's pet English bull terrier. Florence is in danger of being put down for having savagely attacked one of the Queen's pet Corgis and for having bit a maid. Doctor Mugford's role-playing psychotherapy sessions remain Florence's last hope for remaining in this world. Details of the mysterious and caninely criminal events that happened at Sandringham over the Christmas festive season are only now starting to emerge in the British press: Doctor Mugford was called in after Florence savaged Pharos, the Queen's eldest Corgi, on 22nd December at Sandringham. The corgi, who had been with the Queen for more than ten years, had to be put down on the next day, the 23rd of December. The attack was initially blamed on Dotty, Florence's four-year-old daughter. However an investigation (said to have been conducted by a heavily brandy drinking Saint Bernard dog owned by the Woo family of Ritchie By The Mill Creek) revealed that the real culprit was Florence. Five days after the first attack, Florence bit a fifty-old maid (a crime which the butler did not do in this particular mystery) who was trying to clean Princess Anne's room. Now Doctor Mugford has been called in for a last ditch effort to save the little mug's life at a price only a Princess can afford. Mug afford Mugford! Will the 21st Century see arise a series of novels entitled the "Adventures of Doctor Freud Dolittle"?

To no one's surprise, US trained Georgia lawyer Mikhail Saakashvili, 36, won today's Presidential election in Georgia. Television exit polls showed that Mr. Saakashvili had 85.8% of the vote. Even the former Georgian President Eduard Shevardnadze (who was deposed by Mr. Saakashvili and his supporters in the "rose revolution" that shook Tbilisi back in November) admitted to the western press that he had voted for Mr. Saakashvili.

It turns out Britney Spears married some idiot that I've never heard of before. And sources are now claiming that the wedding was a joke that got out of hand. But aren't all weddings involving Hollywood and music industry celebrities jokes these days?

Going from the sublime to the ridiculous in this new year of 2004, here is the first breaking Global Daily Planet news bulletin for the New Year. It has been reported that pop star Britney Spears has just married her childhood friend in Las Vegas. Whether that childhood friend was Justin Timberlake or Christina Aguilera is not known at this point.

Animal lovers everywhere will be delighted to hear that the Princess Royal, H.R.H. Princess Anne intends to send Florence, her English bull terrier to an animal psychologist to save the pet from being put down for savaging one of the Queen's pet corgis and biting a maid during the Christmas holiday season. The hero of the day is one Roger Mugford, an animal psychologist from Surrey who successfully treated another of Princess Anne's dogs after a similar biting incident at Easter two years ago. Dr. Mugford insists that Florence can be saved. Said Dr. Mugford, "I am sure it is just a dog who is feeling a bit out of sorts about something, perhaps pain or old age, and is feeling a bit cranky on the day." Dr. Mugford says that one of the techniques he might use in treating Florence include using human "stooges" such as himself to re-enact the attacks with the aim of training the dog not to bite. Rumour has it that film producer Richard Curtis along with Channel 4 Films and Working Title Productions has already signed up Rowan Atkinson (aka Mr. Bean) to play the role of the good doctor in the movie re-enactment of this particular real-life therapy room scene. Of course, no title has been set for the film (although "Four Dog Bites And A Funeral" could be one possibility).

The oil tanker facility at Valdez, Alaska continues to remain closed. It was ordered closed by the US Coast Guard last Tuesday in fears of a possible attack by sea from al-Qaeda. Al-Qaeda has a terror armada of ships (estimated to be anywhere from 15 to 28 ships). Intelligence sources also believe that al-Qaeda intends to target the world's largest cruise ship, the Queen Mary 2 when it makes its maiden voyage beginning on January 12th. Perhaps if movie director James Cameron makes it clear that in addition to Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet playing the romantic leads in a film about a disaster befalling the maiden voyage of the Queen Mary 2 that the role of Osama in the picture will be played by pop singer Michael Jackson, this will sufficiently frighten off the al-Qaeda leader from making any terrorist attack upon the ship.

Of course, one of the potential sources of conflict between Russia's Putin government and America's Bush Administration this year is: who shall control the land pipelines that shall flow out of the vast Caspian Sea oil basin? For the moment, it looks like it will be the US. Opinion polls in the Republic of Georgia show that US trained Georgian lawyer Mikhail Saakashvili, 36, is expected to win tomorrow's Georgian Presidential election. The election was sparked by last November's so-called "rose revolution" in which opposition groups led by Mr. Saakashvili demonstrated in the streets of the Georgian capital of Tbilisi (eventually taking over the Georgian Parliament Building) forcing the resignation of then Georgian President Eduard Shevardnadze. The protests happened because of fraudulent parliamentary elections in which pro-Shevardnadze parties won most of the seats. Now Mr. Saakashvili stands poised to become the leader of Georgia, one of the key chess pieces in the geopolitics of the globe.

The New York Times noted something in yesterday's edition of its paper that the Global Daily Planet had already noted a couple of months ago: that the real reason for Russian President Vladimir Putin's arrest of oligarch businessman Mikhail Khodorkovsky last October was because Mr. Khodorkovsky was trying to sell a major stake in his oil company, Yukos to ExxonMobil. This would have placed Russia's largest oil company under the control of a US oil company. Such a thing is not anathema to Mr. Khodorkovsky's viewpoint. Mr. Khodorkovsky is an adherent of the global fascist economics of a multinational controlled New World Order. Mr. Putin is a Russian nationalist and the policies he espouses are those of a Russian nationalist form of economic fascism. Mr. Putin is not interested in a Russia controlled by a global New World Order or foreign corporate interests. Therefore when Khodorkovsky insisted on selling the majority shares of Yukos to ExxonMobil (despite a strong warning from Vladimr Putin not to do so), the die was cast. Mr. Khodorkovsky was arrested in late October. Putin's warning to other Russian oligarchs was clear: do not take such drastic actions without the approval of the Russian state. The Russian oligarchs may be cowed for now but this won't stop tensions between the Putin government and the Bush Administration which will become very apparent this year (since so much of the Bush Administration has strong connections to global US multinational oil, gas and energy corporations). A barrel of oil will become a barrel of monkeys this New Year of 2004 (which in the Chinese New Year cycle will be the Year of the Monkey this year).

South African President Thabo Mbeki managed to survive a couple of assassination attempts on his life in the Caribbean nation of Haiti. Mr. Mbeki was visiting Haiti as a guest of Haitian President Jean Bertrand Aristide (a very ecumenically minded voodoo practicing former Roman Catholic priest who would probably be a Cardinal and one of the Pope's potential successors in the present day Vatican had he remained a priest). Mr. Mbeki was on hand to celebrate the 200th anniversary of Haiti's independence from France. The South African leader was invited to join the celebrations because it was the first successful African slave revolt in history. When the slaves of Haiti revolted, the French soldiers threw down their guns and ran (some things never change). Mr. Mbeki was unhurt in either attempt.

Well it appears that the Earth (worshipped as Gaia or Mother Earth by various New Age environmentalist wackos) isn't too happy about the prospect of a New World Order. Today, there have been earthquakes of note in Mexico City, Bali and the Dead Sea. A spokesman for one of the various earthquake monitoring institutes in the world said, "These zones are not found on any same global fault line. The fact that they happened almost within the same time frame is strictly coincidental." Or not. Christ prophecied that in the period of tribulation before His Second Coming, "There would be earthquakes in diverse places".

Yesterday the Global Daily Planet predicted that the term "New World Order" would be bandied about a great deal this year. Sure enough on that very same day, Pope John Paul II called for the establishment of a New World Order while celebrating a New Year's Day World Day of Peace Mass at the Vatican. At the present time, only two versions of the New World Order could be capable of getting off the ground. One is a fascist New World Order as envisioned by the World Bank, the International Monetary Fund, the World Trade Organization and various mega-banks and global multinational corporations. The other is a Marxist-Leninist Communist New World Order with a blend of New Age religion and Age of Aquarius mumbo-jumbo nonsense thrown in to satisfy man's need for mysticism (the 21st Century variety of Communists have come to realize that their first mistake in trying to impose global New World Order Communist utopias on various countries of the world in the 20th Century was in imposing strictly materialistic atheistic style systems). This Communist New Age New World Order is backed by organizations as diverse as the Trotskyite Gramscian Communist New Age United Nations, the Gorbachev Foundation, the United Religions Initiative, Share International, the Green Cross and the World Wildlife Fund. The choice between these two New World Orders is literally a choice between the proverbial "rock and a hard place".

Bertie Ahern the Taoiseach (Prime Minister) of Ireland assumed the rotating Presidency of the European Union today. The title passes to him from Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi. As a result, both the European Union flag and the Irish flag are now flying over Dublin Castle. And the French will now have to drink Guiness instead of wine with their cheese.

For what it's worth, Iranian government officials are vigourously denying that an Iranian underground nuclear test was responsible for causing an earthquake in the southeastern Iranian city of Bam. Is this an Iranian mullah's equivalent way of saying William Jefferson Clinton's phrase, "I did not have sexual relations with that woman" ?

So the new year of 2004 has begun. And the Global Daily Planet believes that we'll hear more talk of a New World Order than ever this year. So what will be the economic system of this New World Order? In order to answer that question, we need to define what "Fascism" actually is. To far too many people (particularly those of the left-wing liberal bozo variety), fascism is equated with racism. This belief is false. Fascism is an economic system, it is not a political system nor a racial system. During the early 20th Century, there was one political party, the National Socialist Workers' Party in Germany (better known as the Nazis) who combined the economic theory of fascism with a racial theory (that racial theory being that the Aryan race was superior to all others). However that was Germany. Fascism was also the economic system of Benito Mussolini's Italy and Imperial Japan. Fascism has also been the economic system of mainland China since Deng Xiaoping fully assumed power back in 1978. The fascist economic system that Deng established in the so-called People's Republic of China has continued under his successors since Deng left for the great big boiler room down below back in 1997. Communist China is Communist in name only. Its economic system is fascist. So what is fascism? There are 3 main types of economic systems in the world: Capitalism, Communism and Fascism. 1. Capitalism is that type of economy where private individuals own the means of production (ex. factories and mines). The companies founded by these private individuals then compete openly with one another in the Marketplace. No one tells the owners what to produce, or how much to produce, or what to charge. Competition is the primary determinant of its prices. Capitalism may have its faults ie it can degenerate into monopolies or price-fixing cartels. When this happens, some form of government regulation should come into play. 2. Communism is that economic system whereby the State owns all means of production (In socialism, the state can own some to most means of production). People are told what to produce, when to produce it and how much to charge. This type of control is supposedly enacted in the interests of the people. History has shown that Communism as pure Communism never works. 3. In Fascism, private individuals retain control over the means of production. However the government intervenes to control how much is produced of any one item, how many competitors can be making the same item, and how much they can charge. Therefore the potential for most profit lies within the Fascist economy, particularly when big monopolistic corporations are in bed with the Party that runs the state (as happens in Ralph Klein's Alberta and happened within Mike Harris' Ontario in Canada). Fascism can be seen in the pronouncements of the European Union bureaucracy in Brussels (as when an EU bureaucrat trudges through the fields of rural Ireland, goes up to an Irish dairy cow and tells the cow how much milk it can produce to which the cow moos back to the bureaucrat in Gaelic). Fascist economic policies in North America are generally advanced under the term "neo-conservatism" although newly installed Canadian Liberal Prime Minister Paul Martin uses the term "a guided economy". Fascism is to be the economic engine of the New World Order, an economic engine that will operate on a global scale through the use of such institutions as the WTO (World Trade Organization). Bank mergers are part of the New World Order plan. In Canada, sodomite Progressive Conservative MP Scott Brison, a big proponent of bank mergers in Canada, switched positions in terms of party and got into bed with Liberal Prime Minister Paul Martin for which Mr. Martin rewarded him a Parliamentary Secretaryship. Since Mr. Brison is now Parliamentary Secretary for Canada-US relations, you can see that bank mergers in North America will be big on the NAFTA globalist agenda in the coming years. Organizations such as the Bilderbergers, the Council On Foreign Relations and the Trilateral Commission have all been big on setting up the global fascist economic engine of the New World Order.