Global Daily Planet

The Global Daily Planet has some good news and some bad news. The good news is that America's would-be Stalinist dictator Hillary Rodham Clinton collapsed while giving a speech today. The bad news is that she survived.

Sunday, January 23rd, 2005: Viktor Yushchenko was inaugurated President of Ukraine.


Monday, January 24th, 2005: The 40th Anniversary of the death of Sir Winston Churchill.

Ukraine's Yushchenko meets Russian President Vladimir Putin in Moscow.

Tuesday, January 25th, 2005: Robbie Burns Day. Yushchenko visits the European Union.

Wednesday, January 26th, 2005: British Prime Minister Tony Blair promises to save the world in general and Africa in particular at the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland.

Thursday, January 27th, 2005: The 60th Anniversary of the liberation of the death camp at Auschwitz.

World leaders gather at Auschwitz along with 1,000 survivors for a Memorial ceremony. Among the world leaders are Israeli President Moshe Katzov, German President Horst Koeler, Polish President Aleksander Kwasznieuski, US Vice-President Dick Cheney (no doubt getting ideas for the Orwellian totalitarian state the Administration he's part of is creating in the US), Russian President Vladimir Putin and Ukrainian President Viktor Yushchenko (whose own father was a Soviet Army prisoner of war at Auschwitz). A message from Pope John Paul II was read at the ceremony in which the Polish-born Pontiff basically said that Auschwitz was no rose garden.

Friday, January 28th, 2005: Froggy fag lover Pierre Pettigrew the Foreign Affairs Minister of the Sodomite Union (the country formerly known as Canada) acting like the apostle of the Antichrist that he is told Canada's Churches to keep their mouths shut and stay out of the debate on the perverted Federal Liberal government's plans to legalize sodomite and dyke marriage. Unofficial rumours around Ottawa suggest that the Liberal government of the despicable red-faced ogre Paul Martin would like to buy the Auschwitz concentration camp and move it to Canada to house the country's Christians who do not seem to appreciate the wonderfully diabolical and devilish things the Liberal government has done, is doing and will do in the future. They are also reportedly buying up millions of tattooing machines to stamp the number 666 on people's right hands and/or foreheads.

It was 40 years ago today that one of the last great champions of Western civilization Sir Winston Churchill died. Our Global Daily Planet Asia correspondent Harry Woo asks, "oh. Who's Winston Churchill?". And it was 60 years ago today that the battle for Auschwitz began.

Antichrist satanic luciferian Liberal Prime Minister Paul Martin of the Sodomite Union (the country formerly known as Canada) gave an impassioned defense of fag and dyke marriages in the Chinese capital of Beijing today. The total sleezebag was not so impassioned when it came to defence of genuine authentic human rights in Communist China. The boiling with rage red-faced Mister Martin almost had his aneurism in the Forbidden City when he was told that Sodomite Union Opposition Conservative Leader Stephen Harper said that fag and dyke marriages (although Mr. Harper used the wussy politically correct term "sex-sex marriage" used by all wimps) would eventually lead to the legalization of polygamy (which it will even though most small-l/large-l liberals are too stupid to see it!). Foamed the screaming-for-a-heart attack Mr. Martin, "I will defend human rights. I will protect the rights of all individuals and minorities". Bullshit you asshole! (no wonder sodomites like you so much!). Mr. Martin had the opportunity to join Alberta Conservative MP Jason Kenny in laying a wreath in Tiananmen Square in memory of former Chinese Communist leader Zhao Ziyang (Mentioning his death or taking notice of it has been forbidden in China). Zhao had defended the rights of students to peacefully protest in the Square and opposed sending the Army into the Square to clean out the students. For that, Zhao lost his post and was placed under house arrest for the last 15 years of his life.

Now there's a true human rights champion! Not some AIDS infested scumbag Quebec politician who thinks that perverts who enjoy shoving their phalluses up another guy's anus or enjoy playing with dildos (or whatever the Hell it is that dykes do!) should be allowed to undermine the God-ordained institute of marriage.

Yesterday the Russian government announced it was putting up the first statue of Soviet dictator Josef Stalin to be seen in the streets of Moscow in 40 years. Today US President George W. Bush had his second inauguration in the streets of Washington DC.

The death toll from the Indian Ocean tsunami has now surpassed 225,000. This came after the Indonesian government announced that the death toll from Indonesia alone had reached 166,000.

Former Chinese Communist Party leader Zhao Ziyang died yesterday at the age of 85. Zhao was a reformer who sympathized with students who were peacefully protesting in Beijing's Tiananmen Square back in the spring of 1989. For this, Zhao was dismissed from his post and placed under house arrest where he lived until he died yesterday. The Chinese so-called People's Liberation Army went on to mow down the unarmed students with tanks during the days June 3rd to 4th, 1989.

In other news, tolerant peace-loving Muslims in the northern Iraqi city of Mosul have kidnapped the city's Syrian Catholic Archbishop Basile Georges Casmoussa aged 66.

Well in the news today, the US National Weather Service has issued a bulletin advising that the Prado dam near San Diego, California may burst due to rising floodwaters, the Moroccan press is claiming that the sun stopped in the sky and did not move its course for several hours over the country, the worst winter storms in 40 years have been hitting Russia, North America and northern Europe the past few days, the US Department of Health and Human Services is calling for homeless people in America to be implanted with a microchip so they can be easily tracked and a 6.8 magnitude earthquake has struck the mid-Atlantic Ocean. Earlier this week, Pope John Paul II said it's possible that the Days of the Apocalypse might be upon us. I wonder what clued him in?

Prince Harry wore a Nazi uniform to a costume party. Being your typical yute (youth in My Cousin Vinny's vocabulary) he showed brashness, insensitivity and bad judgement.

Researchers have found the secret laboratory where Leonardo Da Vinci performed most of his experiments. It was in a sealed room in a monastery next to the Basilica of the Holy Annunciation in downtown Florence, Italy. No word yet on whether geneaological charts of Christ, Mary Magdalene and the Merovingian kings of France have also been found.

Antichrist Saint Jimmy Carter visited Ramallah yesterday to congratulate Mahmoud Abbas on being elected President of the Palestinian Authority. Of course other people who have enjoyed Saint Jimmy's blessings include the Ayatollah Khomeini (prior to taking the US Embassy in Tehran hostage), Soviet leader Leonid Brezhnev (prior to invading Afghanistan), Cuban President Fidel Castro (who still enjoys Saint Jimmy's blessings despite all he's done) and North Korean leader Kim Jong-il (Ditto for Kim!).

It was 360 years ago today that Archbishop William Laud of Canterbury was beheaded. Archbishop Laud was an Anglo-Catholic Royalist who got into a bit of a tiff with Oliver Cromwell's Puritan republicans.

It appears that Mahmoud Abbas has been elected President of the Palestinian Authority in today's Palestinian election. Mr. Abbas replaces Palestinian terrorist leader Yasser Arafag. Mister Arafag, a practising sodomite, died of AIDS in Paris late last year. And so Mr. Abbas is now the new leader of the backwards and primitive Palestinian people.

South Africa's airhead President Thabo Mbeki recently gave a speech to an assembly of Muslim scumbags in northern Sudan. In the speech the black African fruitloop strongly criticized the late great British Prime Minister Sir Winston Churchill. Mbeki indignantly quoted passages from Churchill's book The River War in which dear old Winnie expressed his opinion that Islam was a backwards and primitive religion. Of course, anybody with an IQ of over 100 knows that. Thabo Mbeki is so stupid that if he were white, he'd be a blonde female.

Of all the countries in the world who have been donating money and aid to help the tsunami victims, the stingiest nations have been the Muslim countries. To quote one of 60 Minutes' Andy Rooney's favourite expressions, "Why is that?".

Today is Sherlock Holmes' 151st birthday.

Three minutes of silence were observed across Europe today in honour of the Indian Ocean tsunami victims. As one BBC reporter wryly put it, "French President Jacques Chirac's silence was far more eloquent than any words he could have spoken on behalf of France."

Today British Conservative Party leader Michael Howard unveiled the British Conservative Party election platform. William Shakespeare also once wrote a play called Much Ado About Nothing.

The death toll in the Asia tsunami has now surpassed 150,000.