Global Daily Planet

Happy Birthday Superman from the (Global) Daily Planet! The June, 1938 issue of Action Comics in which the superhero Superman first appeared, it was revealed that Superman (alter ego Clark Kent, mild-mannered reporter) had his birthday on February 29th. So once again, Superman, happy birthday from your friends at the Daily Planet!

Today US President George W. Bush gave the order, "Send in the Marines." Their destination: Haiti. Earlier this morning, following a three-week rebellion against him, Haitian President Jean-Bertrand Aristide fled the country in an unmarked jet. Rumour has it that a certain overly thrifty Chinaman (who was flying a World War I Sopwith Camel in the Caribbean region at the time) shouted when the speeding unmarked jet passed by, "Hey, that thing got a hemmy?".

Happy Leap Year Day everybody! Remember this day comes only once every four years so be sure to celebrate it!

A summit meeting of the African Union was held today in the Mediterranean coastal town of Sirte, Libya. The African Union is the old Organisation of African Unity which changed its name in the year 2002. The meeting was called to develop a common defense, agricultural and water policy for the African continent. The summit host was Libyan leader Col. Muammar Gaddafi. More than 40 heads of state and government from across the continent gathered for the summit. Gaddafi opened the summit after driving along a red carpet into the conference hall in a small electric car which was also carrying the Ghanaian, Egyptian and Tunisian Presidents as well as the Ethiopian Prime Minister. This particular summit had been called for and organised by Col. Gaddafi. Summit delegates dealt a blow to their host, Col. Gaddafi by rejecting his proposal for creating a single continental African army (replacing all existing government forces) rather diplomatically deeming the concept as "ahead of its time". The African Union which replaced the 39-year-old Organisation of African Unity in 2002 is supposed to be modelled on the European Union. One of the biggest promoters of the African Union has been Col. Gaddafi who no doubt sees himself as the future President of a United States of Africa (an African equivalent of Great Britain's Tony Blair who fancies himself a future President of a United States of Europe--the two men should get along well together when they meet later this year!). In the meantime driving an electric car and commanding a continental African army are both concepts that are not quite universal yet. Maybe when some guy called Costello drives a 2015 Abbott-Detroit electric car across the Sahara Desert will these ideas become feasible. In the meantime, Colonel, put a model electric car and a model African continental toy soldier army in a bottle of Paul Maisson wine and remember what Paul Maisson said over a century ago, "We will sell no wine before its time."

Mel Gibson appeared on Jay Leno's "Tonight Show" last night and received a prolonged standing ovation from the audience.

Now that Mel Gibson's movie, "The Passion of the Christ" grossed a record-setting $26.6 million on its opening day, earlier detractors of the film are starting to back away from their previous critical remarks. The Passion opened on Ash Wednesday on 4,643 screens at 3006 theatres and set a record for the biggest opening day for a movie released outside the summer (May-August) and winter (November-December) holiday months. The US Conference of Catholic Bishops whose Ecumenical and Interreligious Committee criticised the film last April have now changed their tune and are calling the movie "an artistic achievement". This goes to show that the god worshipped by the US Conference of Catholic Bishops is Mammon, the ancient Babylonian god of money, banking and commerce. Of course it's a known fact that Mammon the money god of ancient Babylon is also the god worshipped by modern Babylon, Hollywood. Yesterday the New York Times quoted Hollywood film company Dreamworks as saying that "Mel Gibson will never work in this town again". Now with the box office receipt numbers available, Dreamworks is backing away from those remarks and a spokeswoman for Dreamworks founders Jeffrey Katzenberg and David Geffen released this statement: "Neither one of us has seen the movie yet, and as such, we have not formed an opinion, but we respect Mel Gibson's right as an artist to express his views. After all, this is America." Now if they wouldn't mind telling that to the postmodern US Democratic Party.

Macedonian President Boris Trajkovski, 47, was killed in a plane crash yesterday. The US educated Trajkovski, an ordained Methodist minister who also studied law, was first elected President of Macedonia back in November, 1999. He is widely credited with preventing a civil war in Macedonia back in the year 2001.

Former UK International Development Secretary Clare Short has accused British intelligence agencies of bugging the offices of UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan during last year's run-up to the Iraq War. British Prime Minister Tony Blair while calling Short's claims "Nonsense" also said he would not comment on matters that might jeopardize British intelligence gathering. Translated from "Politikspeak", that's neither a yes nor a no from Blair on whether or not this was actually done. So James Bond's colleagues might have spied on the Communist Secretary-General of a globalist Communist New Age organization. What were they expecting to find? Saddam's Weapons of Mass Destruction in Kofi's drawers?

It was 40 years ago tonight in Miami, Florida that Cassius Clay (the future Muhammad Ali) defeated Sonny Liston after six rounds to win his first Heavyweight Championship of the World.

Further proof positive that one can't be a satirist anymore! Rock music's superstar superslut Madonna has announced she is going on tour this summer in a tour that's to be called (most appropriately) the Whore of Babylon tour.

Teresa Heinz Kerry, the wife of neo-Communist US Senator John Forbes Kerry told a crowd in California (it would be California--a land of fruits and nuts as the late Doctor Walter Martin once described it!) that Americans will eventually come to accept the idea of same-sex marriages. The self-proclaimed philanthropost and self-proclaimed African American (she's white but was raised in Mozambique so this makes her African in her line of thinking) was answering US President George W. Bush's call yesterday for a constitutional ban on same-sex marriages. President Bush takes a public stand against sodomite relationships but the Global Daily Planet has this question it would like to ask Bush: what does he do when he attends meetings of the Bohemian Grove? As for the flaky Teresa Heinz Kerry, she spends her time giving money to causes like Muslim jihadi organizations, abortionists and sodomite activists. If Gilbert and Sullivan were alive in the 21st Century, they'd write of her, "She is the very model of the modern neo-Communist."

Today is Ash Wednesday, the day Mel Gibson's film "The Passion of the Christ" opens up in movie theatres all across North America. The hypocritical left-wing liberal (actually they're more like outright Marxist Communist) bozos at the New York Daily News and the New York Times have been rushing to drip their secular humanistic venom on the film. The NY Daily News had a big headline "The Passion of Crime" in which one of its airhead movie reviewers called it the biggest piece of anti-Semitic propaganda since the Nazi produced films of the 1930s (the airhead obviously doesn't read Saudi Arabian and Egyptian state government owned newspapers available in English translation on the web). The New York Times (which is so Stalinist in its thought these days, it can't bring itself to call for the revoking of the Pulitzer Prize for one of its early 1930s Stalin butt-kissing journalists who blatantly lied about the supposed utopia of the Soviet Union) foams at the mouth and babbles incoherently about Mel Gibson being part of a vast Fundamentalist Right Wing Christian conspiracy (no doubt plagariazing a line (as New York Times personnel have been known to do!) from another well known Stalinist, a bisexual feminazi hag called Hillary who blames her virulently heterosexual husband's marital infidelities on the vast Right Wing Conspiracy). What's particularly interesting about the hypocrates at the New York Times and New York Daily News is that they've suddenly become sensitive to the issue of violence in the movies. They've never been particularly concerned about violence in the movies before but because Gibson's movie tries to give some idea of what Christ went through in His suffering and passion, they're suddenly concerned about violence in the movies denouncing this movie as "violent" and "gory". What does this movie have to do with a religion and a message of love and peace they whine? Mel Gibson says that he is a devoted follower of Christ. Christ said He came not to send peace but a sword in this particular eon (age--although the Greek word "eon" is sometimes translated "'world" as when Christ says in the King James Bible, "My kingdom is not of this world", it should be more properly translated "My kingdom is not of this age") in which people would be divided against one another (even within families) because of Christ. This film is bringing a lot of division in America in which the pro-Stalinist New York Times and New York Daily News (ardent supporters of what used to be the Democratic Party back in the first 70 years of the 20th Century but is now a 21st Century equivalent of a neo-Communist Party) attack what they call the Christian Right. In bringing such a sword and such division, Gibson shows that in this respect at least, he's walking in his Master's Foosteps.

With all the mysterious viruses that have been sweeping the planet lately, here is the latest: a mysterious viral infection has forced military authorities in Germany to close four US Army bases, ordering nearly 4,000 personnel and their dependents to stay home. The cause of the virus remains unknown. Given the fact that this happened at four US Army bases in different parts of Germany, the Global Daily Planet would like to pose the question: Muslim terrorist biological warfare?

The nation of France may be about to pay a high price for the pomposity and arrogance of its atheistic President Jacques Chirac. The government of Mr. Chirac as part of its efforts to impose a Grand Orient Freemasonic style secular humanism on the entire country is pushing forth legislation to ban the wearing of Muslim headscarfs, Jewish yamulkas and large Christian crosses in state public schools. His decision has now been met with the displeasure of Ayman al-Zawahri, the Egyptian born Muslim terrorist who serves as deputy to al-Qaeda head Osama bin Laden. In an audiotape released today, Mr. al-Zawahri continued his usual tirade against the US, Britain and Australia. However this time in his rant (which can best be described as Howard Deanesque in tone), the Egyptian screamer also included France which he hadn't done in past tirades. What got Mr. al-Zawahri's panty hose in a knot accusing Paris of "Crusader hatred" towards Islam was the banning of Muslim headscarves from French state classrooms. The ever ecumenical and religiously tolerant Mr. al-Zawahri of course forgot to mention that the French government is banning the wearing of Jewish yamulkas and large Christian crosses as well. No doubt though the al-Qaeda No. 2 has other things on his mind such as charting the flight path of a large Air France jetliner straight into the middle of the Eiffel Tower.

A report in the business section of today's New York Times reveals that Saudi Arabia's oil fields are in decline. Hm. Saudi Arabia's oil fields are in decline. The United States and Britain invade Iraq because they claim that Saddam Hussein had Weapons of Mass Destruction. No major Weapons of Mass Destruction have been found in Iraq. However there's still plenty of oil in Iraq since the country had been severely embargoed against for a dozen years. And the British and Americans now control Iraq. A mere coincidence? Hardly.

A note of sociological interest when it comes to the medium of newspapers: 100 years ago, it would be safe to say that most editors of leading daily newspapers would have read all four Gospels. Today an editorial in the New York Daily News on The Passion of the Christ entitled "Mel Gibson's Dangerous Passion" is proof positive that familiarity with the Gospels is not something modern newspaper editors (or the editor of the New York Daily News at any rate) have. The editorial seems to think that Caiaphas pushing harder for Christ's Crucifixion than Pontius Pilate did is something Gibson invented. It is not. Any objective reading of the Gospels would also lead a person to that conclusion. The opinion of the Global Daily Planet? This editor bases his opinions on the Gospels: I firmly believe and declare that Caiaphas and his supporters in the Sanhedrin were the ones pushing for Christ's Crucifixion. I firmly believe that if Pontius Pilate had his way, he would have let Christ go. I firmly believe that a mob of people was incited by Caiaphas to push for Christ's Crucifixion and Pilate reacted to the mob in making his decision. That is what I believe. I believe it because the Gospels say it not because Mel Gibson says it. If that makes me an anti-Semite in the eyes of low-lifes like Abraham Foxman, then I am an anti-Semite. I am an anti-Semite even though I unequivocally despise and condemn the pogroms against the Jews conducted by the Church in ages past. I am an anti-Semite even though I unequivocally hate and loathe Hitler and everything he and his accursed Nazi party stood for. I am an anti-Semite even though I unequivocally condemn the Holocaust. I am an anti-Semite even though I believe in the concept of Eretz Israel, Greater Israel from Egypt to the Euphrates. That was the land God gave the Jews and the descendants of Ishmael should get over it! I am an anti-Semite even though I despise the French government for everything they've done to the Jews for the past century from falsely accusing and convicting Alfred Dreyfuss for treason to rounding up Jews for the Nazis in Vichy France during World War II to supporting the Palestinian terrorist Yasser Arafat today. I am an anti-Semite because anybody who believes in the literal truth of the Gospels is according to Abraham Foxman and his ilk. So I believe that Caiaphas and the majority of the Jewish priests were wanting Christ dead more than the Romans. So what? Does that belief justify anti-Semitism? No. I believe that if Christ came back today in humility (like He did the first time) and not in power and glory (like is prophecied for His Second Coming), I firmly believe that today's Gentile religious leaders like Episcopal Bishop John Shelby Spong, Episcopal Bishop Frank Griswold and Anglican ArchDruid Rowan Williams of Canterbury would be temporarily setting aside their opposition to capital punishment and calling more loudly for Christ's execution than any secular government on the face of the earth. Because sadly that is what many (not all but many) religious leaders do when they come face to face with God, they want to kill Him. It has nothing to do with their people. It has to do with their own deprived and depraved souls, they hide it under a cloak of religious ministry and pray that God will never come in their lifetime to expose what they truly are!

Despite the enthusiastic reports in yesterday's Sunday Telegraph and yesterday's Sunday Express out of London, US officials said today that they have absolutely no idea where Osama bin Laden is. Well isn't that refreshing? It's been a long time since US government officials said something truthful.

Some idiot called Paul Ginnetty recently wrote a review of Mel Gibson's "The Passion of the Christ" for Newsday. Mr. Ginnetty calls himself the director of an obscure Institute for the Study of Religion and Community Life at an obscure Saint Joseph's College in some little known place in New York called Patchogue (If Mr. Ginnetty is a typical example of the overall philosophy and theology of the place, it tries to make up for its obscurity and insignificance by being as post-Vatican II and therefore as "culturally relevant" (in the hallucinogenic drug taking 1960s meaning of the term) as humanly or demonically possible.
Like most critics of Gibson's film, the modernist heretic quickly goes from attacking Gibson to attacking the historical inerrancy and literal meaning of Scripture. Mr. Gibson's "mindset" the pseudo-scholar rather pompously assures us "fails to comprehend that the supposedly "historical" biblical sources are complex documents that, however inspired, must be viewed and carefully interpreted as products of a particular time, place and level of human consciousness". Mr. Ginnetty must have spent a lot of time extracting words from his mother's dictionary to construct that sentence designed no doubt to make the reader 'ooh' and 'awe'. For this Aristotelian editor of the Global Daily Planet however, such words amount to little more than a rehash of the same old Hegelian-Darwinian evolutionist claptrap that has turned academic minds into bastions of moronic gibberish for the past century and a half. Biblical sources may come across as being complex documents for one as simple minded as Mr. Ginnetty but for most people, they can be comprehended by even a child who approaches them with sincere faith.
To back up his ludicrous statement, Mr. Ginnetty quotes Pope Pius XII and his 1943 Encyclical, Divino Afflante Spiritu. Rather significantly Mr. Ginnetty does not quote Pius XII' s holier predecessors, Pope Leo XIII with his 1893 encyclical "Providentissimus Deus", St. Pius X with his 1907 encyclical "Pascendi" or Pope Benedict XV with his 1920 encyclical "Spiritus Paraclitus". Probably because those encyclicals echo the traditional method of Biblical inspiration and inerrancy held to by traditionalist Catholics and Bible-believing Protestant evangelicals. Pope Pius XII with his sloppy brand of philosophic logic and bad theology certainly foreshadowed the Second Vatican Council. It's only through the faulty prism of the catastrophe that was Vatican II that many traditionalist Catholics have mistakenly looked upon Pius XII as a great Pope. In reality, Pius XII was a practising sodomite who, as a papal diplomat, had boyfriends in every part of the world and like most sodomites, Pius XII had a peculiar notion of Scriptural interpretation that is generally always held by people of that particular sexual orientation.
Ginnetty snivells in his article that people like Gibson "do not subscribe to such engines of modernity as historical and textual criticism". That's because such engines are out of gas and were faultily built in the first place. Historical and textual criticism have been shown to have been wrong about Shakespeare. And they have been shown to have been wrong about the Bible. English literature professors have rather sensibly thrown out the so-called "higher criticism" to the dustbin of history. Theology and religious studies professors rather stupidly have not.
Mr. Ginnetty's rehash of modernist drivel practically reaches the level of cliche in his essay as he writes that the Gospels are "a community's ongoing experience of the Christ of Faith but not particularly reliable biographies of Jesus of Nazareth. " The touchstone words of any modernist heretic are always "Christ of Faith" and "Jesus of History". Anyone who uses those words in all seriousness and believes them is a modernist heretic. Those expressions "Christ of Faith" and "Jesus of History" define the modernist heretic in the same way that the words of the Apostles', Nicene and Athanasian Creeds define the orthodox believer. Modernist heretics always divide the Christ of Faith from the Jesus of History and as Saint John the Apostle and Evangelist warns in his epistles anyone who divides Jesus from being the Christ is "always of the spirit of Antichrist".
Ginnetty continues slicing his modernist baloney, the Gospels were always written 30 to 40 years after the death of Jesus (in their opinion) and John's Gospel didn't come on the scene until at least 100 AD. There is no evidence to back any of their presuppositions. Modernists always quote one another (some other idiot writing 1800 to 1900 to 2000 years after the events happened) and think that constitutes evidence.
If Sherlock Holmes approached the Gospels from the Modernist standpoint of dating the Gospels, he'd remark to Doctor Watson, "Then there's the curious incident of the destruction of the Second Temple in Jerusalem being mentioned in all four Gospels" to which Watson would reply, "But there is no mention of the destruction of the Second Temple and Jerusalem in any of the four Gospels" to which Holmes would reply, "That was the curious incident."
That's something the Modernist heretics have never been able to explain. If the Gospels were written at such a late date, why was not the destruction of the Second Temple mentioned in them? Even a modernist like Anglican Bishop John Robinson of Woolwich had to admit that in all likelihood all four Gospels were written before 70 AD.

Judges whose sodomite loving behinds warm the benches of the judiciary in California are refusing to put an end to the practise of the sodomite city of San Francisco illegally giving out same-sex marriage certificates to sodomites so that sodomite couples can marry. The practise of City Hall granting the marriage licenses to these perverts began eight days ago when the degenerate Mayor of the City of Degenerates gave the thumbs up! to bums up! in marriage. So far no judge is willing to put an end to the act of sodomite civil disobedience. You can rest assured however that when these AIDS infested assholes obtain the level of political power they desire (i.e. sodomite dictatorship) which the brainless liberals are only so willing to give them, they will use the full tyrannical power of what they''ll call "the law" to ruthlessly crush any critics of their perverted satanic lifestyle.

The undershorts of Massachusetts Senator John Forbes Kerry must have turned a sudden brown in colour upon hearing the announcement. Consumer advocate Ralph Nader has announced he will run as an independent candidate for President in the November 2004 election. When Nader ran as a Green Party candidate for President (narrowly beating out Kermet the Frog for the party nomination) back in the year 2000, it is believed he siphoned off enough votes from Al Gore to hand the election to George W. Bush. After this coming election, will Nader be caught singing that Britney Spears song, "Oops! I did it again!" ?

Yet another scumbag Palestinian Muslim terrorist has blown up a bus in Jerusalem. The attack killed eight people and injured dozens of others. The al-Aqsa Martyrs Brigade of Palestinian terrorist Yasser Arafat has claimed responsibility for the attack. The scumbag who carried out the attack was 23-year old Muhammad Zaal from the West Bank village of Hussan near Bethlehem (well his family can kiss their house good-bye!). The explosion happened shortly after the Israelis had dismantled a small part of its security barrier in the West Bank. Maybe the Israeli government should realize they shouldn't start listening to the outside world when it comes to security matters. Build the Wall and then maybe drop a few low-level radiation neutron bombs in Palestinian areas on the other side of the Wall.

A recent article in The Dallas Morning News is starting to get to the real reason for the controversy over Mel Gibson's film, "The Passion of the Christ". The article points out that many leaders, academics and theologians in America's mainline liberal Protestant churches are disturbed by Gibson's acceptance of classical Atonement theology in the film. Classical Atonement theology is the belief that Jesus died for the sins of the world and died to save humanity from its sins. It turns out that many of the leaders, academics and theologians of America's mainline liberal Protestant churches don't believe that Jesus died to save us from our sins (this really should be no surprise given as how so many of these bozos don't really believe in the concept of sin either!). The important thing said one airhead woman theologian in the article is not Jesus' atonement but his teaching. That's the same claim made by a group called Share International which is associated with a religious figure who calls himself the Maitreya. According to the teachings of Maitreya what is important about Jesus is not any "so-called Atonement" (in Maitreya's opinion) but rather his (Jesus') teaching. So it appears that the liberal mainline Protestant church denominations and the New Age Maitreya are in agreement as to what was the most important feature of Jesus' life. A mere coincidence? Hardly.

The London Sunday Telegraph newspaper is reporting that Osama bin Laden has been spotted and is currently being surrounded by US Special Forces in an area of land bordering north-west Pakistan and Afghanistan. The newspaper claims that the al-Qaeda leader is being monitored and tracked by satellite. It claims he is in a mountainous area to the north of the Pakistani city of Quetta. The terrorist leader is estimated to have 50 of his fanatical bodyguards with him.

Iranian theocratic despot the Ayatollah Ali Khamenei is making a valiant effort to win Comedian of the Year Award by hailing yesterday's Iranian national election (in which reform candidates were barred from running) as free and fair.

The British government has announced it is expanding its homeland security service MI5 by 50%. This will bring the number of MI5 staff up to World War II levels. Among the people being hired are Arabic translators. I wonder what the Arabic for "Martini...shaken not stirred" is?

After being called "nuts" by one of his major supporters (a trade union leader), ex-Vermont Governor Howard Dean finally bowed to the obvious and withdrew from the Democratic Presidential race after his defeat in Wisconsin earlier this week.

The tragedy, in which 295 people were killed and hundreds of others injured when runaway railway train wagons loaded with an explosive mixture of sulphur, petrol and fertiliser derailed and blew up in northeastern Iran, happened near the Iranian village of Neyshabour, the birthplace of the Persian poet Omar Khayyam. Khayyam's own words could sum up the tragedy:



The moving finger writes and having writ, moves on
nor all thy piety nor wit
shall lure it back to cancel half a line
nor all thy tears
wash out a word of it.

Some poor snook in the Russian Navy will probably soon be getting a free one-way ticket to Siberia. President Vladimir Putin was giving an election-style high profile jaunt on a nuclear submarine in the Arctic yesterday when the Navy inexplicably failed to launch two intercontinental ballistic missiles as the Russian leader looked on. Initial reports said the missile fell apart after its launch from a submarine in the Barents Sea. Later the Navy said the missiles were never actually intended to be launched. A little later still, the Northern Fleet commander denied that there had been any "unforeseen incident". Log books mentioning any launches for that day also seemed to have mysteriously disappeared during all the kerfuffel aboard the Arkhangelsk nuclear submarine. Previous military newspaper reports of an ICBM being launched to hit a prepared target in the Far Eastern coast of Kamchatka for Tuesday morning were denied. Another navy commander told the RIA Novosti news agency after the incident that the launch was intended to be "virtual". TV cameras from various networks that had been brought in to film the "virtual" as opposed to "real" launch (coincidentally at about the same time as the Evening News Hour in Moscow) showed the campaigning Putin dressed in Russian Navy gear expecting something to happen when for some reason the cameras mysteriously broke away to other more important news stories about a stray dog lost in Gorky Park. Rumour has it that a high-ranking Russian Navy official may soon be starting his own retro disco music band called The Frozen Village People as he goes from being "In The Navy" to visiting the local (Siberian) "YMCA".

Thailand is building a security fence along its border with Malaysia in an effort to curb Muslim terrorist attacks in its five southern provinces. The Global Daily Planet feels it can safely predict that there will no condemnations of Thailand by the Communist New Age United Nations, the politically schizophrenic fascist/Communist European Union in Brussels or the limpwristed pansy Freemasonic Vatican like there is of Israel when it builds a security fence to keep out Palestinian Muslim terrorists.

In an interview with Diane Sawyer on ABC last night, Mel Gibson commented about critics of his film, "The Passion of the Christ". Said Gibson: "Critics who have a problem with me don't really have a problem with me in this film, they have a problem with the four Gospels. That's where their problem is." It appears that Mr. Gibson is now sharing the same opinion of Abraham Foxman, Rabbi Marvin Hier and the other heretical left-wing liberal Jews and Catholics that the Global Daily Planet holds.

The Caiaphas of the 21st Century better known as Anti-Defamation League Executive Director Abraham Foxman recently paid a visit to Rome asking the Vatican to issue a formal warning to Catholics against the Mel Gibson film, "The Passion of the Christ". For Mr. Foxman the film has become more than a bee in his bonnet for him, it has become a Messiah who is more than man but God Incarnate and a Messiah who shall save Gentiles as well as Jews. To the high-ranking representative of the modern day Synagogue of Satan foreseen in the Apocalypse of Saint John, such ideas are anathema. The bearded scumbag turned beardless scumbag (Mr. Foxman recently shaved his beard!) has embarked on a Babylonian Talmudic Crusade to destroy Mr. Gibson and his film at all costs. One of Mr. Foxman's favourite magazines is Heeb (also known as The New Jew Review) and the magazine recently devoted a 10 page cover story deriding Mel Gibson and his new film "The Passion of the Christ". One of the photos The New Jew Review used to promote interfaith dialogue and tolerance was a picture portraying the Virgin Mary with nipple rings. It's never occurred to the likes of Mr. Foxman that maybe one of the major causes of anti-Semitism is not people like Mel Gibson but the obnoxious attitudes of modern Jews like Mr. Foxman and the editors of The New Jew Review. Wealthy New York Jews often like going to warm climates when they retire. For Mr. Foxman and the editors of The New Jew Review, they'll be going to a really warm climate some day.

Newsweek Magazine's cover story this week is on "The Passion of the Christ". The article written by one Jon Meachem sides with a group of liberal Catholic and Jewish elites against traditionalist Catholic Mel Gibson and not only belittles the film but goes one step further and belittles the historicity of the four original Gospels themselves. This group has a very clear agenda, to claim that the Gospels are myth and not fact. For what purpose? No doubt it is tied in with what can be called the "Magdalene Merovingian Heresy", a heresy that has been increasingly promoted in the media and in both secular society and the Church for the past 20 years ever since the publication of "Holy Blood, Holy Grail" by Baigent and Leigh. The most recent book promoting the "Magdalene Merovingian Heresy" has been The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown, a book that The New York Times has widely promoted and made a best seller. Why should a heresy be promoted with such relish in the supposedly secular pop culture media of the present day? Undoubtedly the heresy fulfills the geopolitical agenda of some powerful group. There has certainly been vast amounts of promotion of the heresy going on in Western culture since 1982. The heresy is this: Jesus Christ never died on the Cross. He married Mary Magdalene and had a child or children by her. The Merovingian kings of early medieval France were descended from this marriage of Christ and Magdalene. There are descendants of the Merovingians and hence descendants of Christ and Magdalene walking the earth today. However in order to get people to accept this heresy, you are going to have get them to disbelieve the Gospel accounts. Various groups of alleged "scholars" have been trying to get people to do that. Now a blockbuster movie is coming out that accepts the Gospels as literally and historically true and one made by a major Hollywood celebrity no less. In order to tarnish the film, adherents of the Magdalene Merovingian heresy such as Anti-Defamation League Executive Director Abraham Foxman and Rabbi Marvin Hier of the Simon Wiesenthal Center are shamelessly using the "shibboleth" of anti-Semitism to blacken the movie and Mel Gibson's reputation. No doubt someone who hopes to obtain political power on the supposed basis that he is a descendant of Christ and Magdalene and hence the "New Christ" and "New Messiah" is most pleased by their efforts.

The London Daily Telegraph reports that the most recent public opinion polls in the United States of America shows Massachusetts Senator John Kerry leading with 52% of decided voters over US President George W. Bush who has only 42% of decided voters.

Rumour has it that a revival of old 1960s folk song lyrics is taking place in the Oval Office of the White House with the lyrics being changed somewhat:


As President Bush looks at a map of Iraq:


Where have all the Weapons of Mass Destruction gone?
Long time passing.
Where have all the Weapons of Mass Destruction gone?
Long time ago.


As President Bush looks at the most recent public opinion polls:



Where have all my election chances gone?
Long time passing.
Where have all my election chances gone?
Gone to graveyards every one.
When will they ever learn?
When will they ever learn?

It was 75 years ago today that the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre took place as well-known mobster Al Capone arranged for seven men to be mowed down with sub-machine guns in a garage on the South Side of Chicago as a Valentine's Day greeting to rival gangster Bugsy Malone.

Russia's increasingly nutty Presidential candidate Ivan Rybkin (who mysteriously disappeared for five days) is now claiming that he was drugged, kidnapped and kept unconscious by captors who had lured him to Ukraine. Rybkin said the incident involved a murky attempt with a videotape to compromise him. Rybkin's new story emerged shortly after his main financial backer, exiled billionaire oligarch Boris Berezovsky threatened to cut off his funding over the candidate's original story (that he took an unannounced holiday in Kiev to get away from it all!). Now that the funding is back following Rybkin's new declaration, here is the story: Rybkin was invited to Kiev to meet with Chechen rebel leader Aslan Maskhadov to negotiate a peace treaty between Russia and Chechnya (as Maxwell Smart used to say, "Would you believe?..."). On arrival in Kiev on February 6th, Mr. Rybkin says he was driven to an apartment where he was told to wait for Maskhadov. Rybkin says he had some tea and sandwiches and suddenly felt drowsy. The Russian Presidential candidate then said he was unconscious for four days and regained consciousness on February 10th. He said that his captors showed him a revolting video tape with his participation and told him that it was a plan to compromise him and force him to be cooperative. Rybkin would not comment on the content of the video tape. Rumours circulated by an insect group, "Grasshoppers For Kerry" claim that the video was a remake of a Ninja genie aerobics instructor movie with Howard Dean. Another insect group, "Dung Beetles For Kerry" claim that the video was of Rbykin playing a Cosmo Kramer-like role to change the sexual orientation of one Hillary Rodham Clinton after years of Bill's George Costanza-like vibes. Addressing the world press in London, England with financial backer Boris Berezovsky at his side, Mr. Rybkin told the media that he will conduct his campaign to be President of Russia by campaigning in Western Europe. Given the caliber of a candidate like Mr. Rybkin, he ranks last in a field of seven candidates in what appears to be a landslide shoo-in for current Russian President Vladimir Putin.

French President Jacques Chirac recently whined to an Israeli newspaper that his country is being unfairly criticized in Israel as being anti-Semitic. "France works relentlessly to combat the scourge of anti-Semitism," said Mr. Chirac whose government is preparing legislation to outlaw the wearing of Jewish yamulkas in state schools. "Israeli criticism of anti-Semitism in Europe singles out France," snivelled Mr. Chirac whose own French Ambassador to the United Kingdom referred to Israel as a "shitty little country". Rumour has it that Mr. Chirac received advice from a recently convicted German cannibal, "Mangez la merde". However Mr. Chirac prefers that the Palestinian terrorist Yasser Arafat and the Muslim jihadis of the Palestinian terrorist group Hamas have their large portions of appetizers first before Russia, France and Germany join in for the main course.

At 9:30 PM tonight at the Trimurati shrine outside Bangkok's World Trade Center in the Thai capital, lonely people will come to seek help with their love lives. It's a recent Valentine's Day tradition in Thailand. The shrine statue was built in 1989 and represents 3 Hindu gods, Brahma, Vishnu and Shiva. Worshippers believe that these Supreme Gods of Hinduism have the power to give them blessings. At the sacred time of 9:30 PM, they'll come armed with red incense and roses to pray for true love. Offerings of red apples and roses will be left at the shrine. Well that's very interesting but in the opinion of the Global Daily Planet, Al Capone was the only guy who truly knew how to celebrate Saint Valentine's Day.

The British tabloid newspaper, The Sun has revealed the name of the young woman at the center of yesterday's Drudge Report story about John Kerry. She is Alex Polier, 24, a journalist and is in Kenya and is refusing to comment on the matter. Both her mother and father say that there was no affair but that Kerry did chase after her three years ago. Father Terry said of Kerry, "I think he's a sleazeball" and added that he wouldn't be surprised if his daughter felt the same way. Kerry apparently invited her to serve on his re-election campaign (the world has gone from "How'd you like to come and look at my etchings?" to "How you'd like to serve on my re-election committee?"). She wisely said no. John F. Kerry is certainly living up to his initials of JFK.

With the exception of Jimmy Carter, Democratic Presidential candidates just can't seem to keep it in their pants. The latest man to hit the intern is Massachusetts Senator John F. Kerry. Today's Drudge Report drudged up some information about Senator Kerry. The Report claims that Kerry began a relationship with a young woman back in the spring of 2001 and the relationship lasted two years. After being approached by a top news producer, the woman allegedly fled to Africa at Kerry's urging (she'll need the protection of Lord Greystoke aka Tarzan to ward off the press!). Neo-conservative radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh claims the story may have been leaked to the Drudge Report by Bill or Hillary Clinton. Bill Clinton is believed to be supporting North Carolina Senator John Edwards and as Clinton rather suspiciously told USA Today, "A lot of times things happen late in the race." As for Hillary, rumour has it she is supporting a bisexual but mainly lesbian blowhard Stalinist feminazi hag from New York state with the initials H.R.C. It appears that the Senators and political leadership of the American Republic have become as decadent, perverted and underhanded as the Senators and political leadership of the later Roman Republic and Roman Empire.

The Scottish newspaper, The Daily Record, reports that pop star Britney Spears and her mother attended a church service at the Faithful Central Bible Church in Inglewood, California where they reportedly hugged and cried together and responded to an altar call. At the end of the sermon delivered by the church's senior pastor, Bishop Kenneth C. Ulmer, he asked those who had been moved by the message to come forward. The Daily Record then reports that Britney and her mother dried their eyes and walked hand in hand to the front of the church. The Global Daily Planet sincerely hopes for the sake of her soul that Britney's response to the altar call was genuine and that the commitment she made there will last a lifetime.

More evidence has emerged that at one time in his life, Senator John Kerry was a Communist internationalist (and who knows, maybe he still is!). Harvard's newspaper, The Harvard Crimson, has unearthed a 1970 interview with Kerry in which the then-Congressional candidate said that the United States military should be deployed only by the authority of the United Nations. "I'm an internationalist," Kerry told the Harvard Crimson back on February 13th, 1970, "I'd like to see our troops dispersed through the world only at the directive of the United Nations." Whether the Democratic frontrunner still thinks the US military should get the approval of the Communist New Age United Nations before it acts anywhere in the world remains to be seen. However Senator Kerry does have a more left-wing voting record than even his Senatorial colleague from Massachusetts, the fat Communist slob Teddy Kennedy.

Massachusetts Senator John Kerry won the Virginia and Tennessee state primaries last night. Senator Kerry has now won 12 of the 14 Democratic state contests held so far. General Wesley Clark has now formally dropped out of the race (Clark never really died, he just faded away). And speaking of Generals, one North Vietnamese General who hasn't died (or faded away for that matter!) is General Vo Nguyen Giap the North Vietnamese military commander who conquered South Vietnam back in 1975. In his 1985 memoir about the War, General Giap wrote that if it hadn't been for John Kerry's organization, Vietnam Veterans Against the War, Hanoi would have probably surrendered to the US back in the early 1970s. However Hanoi thought that since it appeared Vietnam Vets were themselves turning against the War through organizations like Kerry's, it thought the US was losing its will to fight and so the North Vietnamese kept on fighting. You don't see too many election ads quoting foreign language books these days, however the Global Daily Planet feels it can safely predict plenty of Republican campaign ads quoting from General Giap's book during the upcoming Presidential election campaign (not to mention photos of Kerry and Hanoi Jane Fonda together at anti-War rallies back in the early '70s).

It turns out that missing Russian Presidential candidate Ivan Rybkin decided to get away from it all for a few days and took an unannounced (to everybody including his wife) holiday to the Ukrainian capital of Kiev. While in Kiev, Rybkin visited with friends, shut off his mobile phone and never watched television. While he was missing, the Moscow Prosecutor's Office ordered and then immediately dropped a murder investigation into his disappearance. Rybkin's major sponsor and financial backer, the exiled billionaire oligarch and arch Putin rival, Boris Berezovsky had accused the Vladimir Putin government of wrongdoing in the former State Duma speaker's disappearance (Rybkin had been Speaker of the State Duma Lower House of Parliament back in 1996). Well hopefully Mr. Rybkin enjoyed all the delicious borscht and cabbage rolls he had back in Kiev because now that he's come back to Russia, no doubt the merde will really hit the ice-frozen Russian fan.

The Church of England General Synod in London this week has voted to drop the term "Wise Men" from the Gospel reading of the Star of Bethlehem story in its latest version of the Prayer Book because the Church of England says that it isn't certain whether the Magi were "wise" or even "men" for that matter. If the King of Rock N' Roll, Elvis, were around today, he might be tempted to revise the unforgettable lyrics of his most forgotten song, "Yoga Is As Yoga Does". Elvis might have changed the lyrics to "How do you expect me to take this Anglican Church serious, when all it ever gives to me is a pain in my posterious" (particularly in the state of New Hampshire!).

United News of India reported yesterday that hundreds of people in a small Indian village attended a marriage between two trees in hopes of pleasing the god of rain. To the chanting of Hindu hymns, a cleric tied a knot on a neem tree, which was the bride, to solemnise its eternal union with a peepul tree which was the groom. The guests at the wedding ceremony included a local legislator from India's ruling Hindu nationalist Bharatiya Janata Party. Conspicuously absent from the ceremony was well-known tree hugger Al Gore who, according to his public relations bio, personally inspired the movie "Love Story". Rumour has it that when the marriage ceremony was over, a loud cheer went up in the chambers of the Justices of the Massachusetts Supreme Court.

Today is the 40th Anniversary of the Beatles appearing on the Ed Sullivan Show.

Today is the 20th Anniversary of the death of Soviet President and former KGB chief Yuri Andropov. Mr. Andropov, a Glenn Miller fan and a "closet liberal" (according to brainless liberals in the West at the time) succumbed to the always fatal Kremlin Cold.

Some Arab newspapers in the Middle East are reporting that al-Qaida already has nuclear weapons and have had them since 1998. According to the reports, al-Qaida purchased the nuclear weapons from Ukrainian scientists back in 1998. The reports say that Osama will only use the weapons on a date that has already been pre-ordained by Allah. So if these reports are true, we take it then that the date of September 11th, 2001 was only an appetizer for the appetites of the pagan moon god, Allah. The main course is yet to be served.

Ivan Rybkin, an opponent of Vladimir Putin and an independent candidate for the Russian Presidency, has disappeared under mysterious circumstances. Mr. Rybkin disappeared last week shortly after he wrote an Open Letter to a Russian newspaper accusing Vladimir Putin of being a dictator. Earlier today, the Moscow Prosecutor's Office announced the Rybkin disappearance would be treated as a murder investigation. 15 minutes later, the Moscow Prosecutor's Office reversed itself and issued a statement saying Rybkin's disappearance would not be treated as a murder investigation. As Count Floyd of SCTV fame would say if he lived in Russia, "Ooh! Scary! Very scary!".

North America's Sun tabloid newspaper reports that former US President Bill Clinton is seeing a new girl, a blonde and not just any blonde. The lucky (?) lady happens to be Belinda Stronach, a candidate for the leadership of the Federal Conservative Party of Canada. Belinda is the daughter of Frank Stronach the owner of the giant Canadian auto parts firm Magna Corporation and she's using daddy's money in a campaign to try to become the next Prime Minister of Canada. Mind you that's better than marrying a series of women wealthier than you are and using their money to finance your way to becoming the leader of a country (hint, hint, John Kerry). Bill is claiming to be serving as a political advisor to Belinda's campaign. How much Belinda will learn by interning under Bill remains to be seen. No doubt the Canadian press will be looking out now for sudden stains on Belinda's dresses. Belinda is, of course, much more feminine looking than Hillary. Mind you, even wrestler Hulk Hogan and boxer Iron Mike Tyson are a lot more feminine looking than Hillary.

It was 40 years ago today that the Beatles first landed in America--February 7th, 1964.

Massachusetts Senator John Kerry won both the Washington state and Michigan Democratic Party Presidential primaries tonight. It appears that Sen. Kerry is fast becoming the man to challenge fellow Yale Skull and Bonesman Bush for the Presidency next November.

Arizona Republican Senator John McCain told an international conference in Riga, Latvia that the impending expansions of the European Union and NATO will help topple Belarussia's Stalinist President, Alexander Lukashenko. The three former Soviet Baltic republics of Estonia, Latvia and Lithuania will join the EU on May 1st this year and NATO later this spring. When that happens, both the EU and NATO will have a border with Belarus. It is believed that the Stalinist promoter of Belarussian reunification with Russia, Comrade Lukashenko won the 2001 Belarussian Presidential election fraudulently. Political and media opponents of Comrade Lukashenko have been known to disappear under mysterious circumstances. McCain told the Conference entitled "Democracy Beyond the Baltics" that "Europe's last dictatorship can not long survive the democratic revolution that has swept the world over the last 15 years and whose waves of change are already lapping at the shores of tyranny's redoubt in Minsk." In 1989, it was the Winds of Change that brought down the Berlin Wall. McCain says that in 2004, the Waves of Change will flood out Europe's last Stalinist outpost in Minsk the Belarussian capital. If the New World Order, of which President Bush and Sen. McCain (whom Bush named to the Committee to investigate the pre-Iraq War intelligence reports of US intelligence agencies) are both part, is coming to power through the four Wiccan elements of earth, air, fire, and water, then in addition to Winds of Change and Waves of Change, we can expect to see Soils of Change and Fires of Change over the next few years.

It turns out that the Doctor Strangelove of Pakistan, Dr. Abdul Qadeer Khan, ran his own shady underworld network based in Dubai which had contacts in three continents, trading in nuclear centrifuges and atomic bomb blueprints. The centrifuges were built by a commercial firm in Malaysia (the country that had been headed for over 20 years by southeast Asia's notorious Muslim Hitler, Doctor Mahathir Mohamad, who gave a Howard Dean style rant to the Organization of the Islamic Conference last fall in which he enunciated his belief in a world Jewish conspiracy). It looks like what British Intelligence (and the American CIA for that matter!) could use is a real life James Bond who would break networks like Doctor Khan's and not go writing reports about the phantom weapons of Saddam Hussein. If New York City does goes up in nuclear smoke courtesy of Osama bin Laden, it's networks like Doctor Khan's who can be thanked.

Australian Jews are showing themselves to be a lot more intelligent than their US counterparts. Yesterday, the Executive Council of Australian Jewry released a statement saying that the Mel Gibson movie, "The Passion of the Christ" is unlikely to incite hostility against Jews. Jeremy Jones, the President of the Executive Council of Australian Jewry, pointed out that in Christian teaching, Jesus died because of human sin--a concept totally foreign to the brainless Abraham Foxman, head of what used to be the respectable Anti-Defamation League in the US and the brainless Rabbi Marvin Hier, head of what used to be the respectable Simon Wiesenthal Center in Los Angeles. Both of these brainless Jews seemed to have fallen for the Nazi Hitlerite argument that the Jews were responsible for the death of Jesus and both brainless Jews seem to think that this Nazi idea is the opinion held by Bible-believing Christians who believe the Gospels to be literally and historically true and directly inspired by the Holy Spirit of God. Both brainless Jews seem to prefer the opinion of liberal modernist heretics (who are not true Christians) in that the Gospels supposedly were written generations after the events described happened and that what the modernist heretics call the "Jesus of History" and the "Christ of Faith" are two different persons. If both of these brainless Jews had any real knowledge of history (or of any other subject for that matter!), they would have realized that it was the heretical modernist teachings of 19th Century German liberal Protestantism that paved the way for the Nazi theologians of Hitler's United Reichschurch to claim that Jesus Christ was Aryan and not Jewish--after all as both the modernists and the Nazis claimed--the Gospels were written generations after the events described happened. Also as both the modernists and Nazis believed, the "Jesus of History" and the "Christ of Faith" were not one and the same person. For the Nazi, the Jesus of History was Aryan, the son of a Roman soldier and it was only the Apostle Paul who invented the Christ of Faith (as both Nazi and modernist believe) that made him out to be Jewish. So interestingly, the brainless Foxman and the brainless Rabbi Hier in siding with the liberal modernist heretics in all Christian denominations against the true Bible-believing Christians in all Christian denominations are imparting their Jewish blessings on the same method of Biblical hermeneutics and interpretation that was used by Nazi theologians in Hitler's United Reichschurch of the Third Reich. As Lucifer would probably say to both men, "Well done, thou dumb and faithful servants."

It will be election time in the Hindu countries of Asia this year. Today both the Presidents of India and Sri Lanka have dissolved their countries' respective Parliaments paving the way for national elections this year.

After Col. Qaddafi let the cat out of the bag about his Weapons of Mass Destruction program, it became an intelligence goldmine as to who was helping out Libya. "Outed" along with the nuclear Libyan cat was Doctor Abdul Qadeer Khan, the father of Pakistan's atomic bomb. Doctor Khan was forced to admit that he had illegally provided nuclear weapons technology and secrets to Libya and not only to Libya but to Iran and North Korea as well. After saying "I'm sorry" on Pakistani television last night, the Doctor Strangelove of Pakistan's nuclear program was immediately pardoned by Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf. Well at least Doctor Khan admitted wrongdoing. That's more than feminazi hag Hillary Rodham's no-surprise cheating husband (let's call him Bill!) was willing to do when he illegally sold nuclear weapons technology and secrets to the mainland Communist Chinese in order to finance his 1996 US Presidential re-election campaign.

A trio of tolerant peace-loving Muslims blew themselves up in a Moscow subway in Russia earlier today. The blast killed 39 people and injured over 100 others. The bombing was condemned by both US President George W. Bush and Russian President Vladimir Putin.

The perverted sodomite newspaper, Rainbow Network, has praised the neo-Stalinist feminazi hag, New York Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton for criticizing opponents of sodomite and lesbian blowhard marriages in a recent speech in New York. Rainbow Network also praised the letter writer who sent Senate Majority leader Bill Frist (R-Tenn.) a letter laced with the deadly poison ricin. Apparently the fags and dykes at Rainbow Network are upset with Sen. Frist for being a strong opponent of sodomite and lesbian blowhard marriages. It's nice to see that the fags and dykes at Rainbow Network are really coming out of the closet and showing their true satanic hamas-filled colours in addition to their perverted sexual orientation.

The government of Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak continues to work behind the scenes as a violent enemy of the State of Israel hoping to seek that country's destruction. As the Global Daily Planet has noted in the past, the Mubarak government has been secretly supporting the Palestinian Muslim terrorist group, Hamas in taking over the administration of Judea, Samaria and Gaza. Now an editorial in the Egyptian government-owned newspaper, Al-Masaa, praised Palestinian terrorist suicide bombings and said even the killing of children is legitimate. It's time for the US government and Congress to wake up and smell the rotten Egyptian coffee and cut off the billions of dollars in financial and military aid that Egypt receives from the US every year. It also turns out that Egyptian Nazi Nasserite Hosni Mubarak is also a little ticked off with Libyan leader Col. Muammar Qaddafi for giving up his Weapons of Mass Destruction program. Mr. Mubarak the modern-day Pharaoh of Death is afraid that Washington will now start looking at Egypt's Weapons of Mass Destruction program. Mr. Mubarak is certainly one of North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il's best customers when it comes to buying ballistic missiles. From the land of the Sphinx, "what rough beast, its hour come round at last, Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?" (as William Butler Yeats put it). In the 21st Century, it may be an Egyptian imposed Hamas government in Bethlehem. How appropriate that Hamas was the Old Testament word for violence (The Days of Noah were filled with hamas=The Days of Noah were filled with violence).

The Global Daily Planet notes that in the Drudge Report's blown-up photos of Janet Jackson's exposed right breast, there is a brooch covering the nipple of her right breast. And the brooch is the figure of the ancient Phoenician sun-god, Baal. As the narrator of the 1970s sensationalist flick Chariots Of The Gods might say, "A mere coincidence? Hardly."

Abraham Foxman the Executive Director of the ANTI-DEFAMATION League? Foxman belongs as a character in George Orwell's "!984" bearing such a title. The bearded scumbag is anything but anti-defamation. In addition to spending a year defaming the character of Mel Gibson, Mr. Foxman has now defamed the Ukrainian people. When Mel Gibson was talking about the tragedies of the 20th Century in a recent press interview and mentioned the Ukrainians dying in the 1930s Stalin enforced famine, Foxman said that there's no comparison between Ukrainians dying in the Stalin enforced famine and Jews dying in the Hitler enforced gas ovens. While I don't very often agree with anti-Semitic conspiracy theorist Texe Marrs, Marrs may be absolutely 100% right in calling Foxman a Jewish equivalent of a Nazi Master Race promoter in that Foxman seems to think that the Jews are the Master Race and every other people (like the Ukrainians for example) may be defamed.

Such excitement the past few days. Toxic risin was discovered in a letter sent to US Senate Majority leader Bill Frist which resulted in the closing of three US Senate buildings. Massachusetts Senator John Kerry won five primaries (Arizona, New Mexico, Missouri, Delaware and North Dakota) in yesterday's Super Tuesday vote in the US while North Carolina Senator John Edwards won in South Carolina and retired US Army General Wesley Clark won in Oklahoma. Meanwhile both US President George W. Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair have announced inquiries into what went wrong with the Intelligence Services on the question of Iraq's Weapons of Mass Destruction. No doubt in setting up the inquiries, both men probably quoted Tom Sawyer as he overlooked his aunt's fence, "I'm looking for someone who knows how to do a good whitewash."

World-renowned (renowned among the librairians of the world that is!) trivia expert Jack Morrow is hoping to put together an Encyclopedia of the CFL (Canadian Football League). Of course it would help book sales considerably if more people outside Canada would watch the CFL. The CFL is noted for its fast-paced generally high scoring kind of game and it's usually quite exciting in all four quarters of the game. Now following the Incident of Janet Jackson's Right Breast, the Global Daily Planet has a suggestion it would like to pass along to Mr. Morrow which he can feel free to pass along to the CFL Commissioner. It turns out that US President George W. Bush couldn't comment on the flap over Janet Jackson's breast because he fell asleep before the halftime show. And considering the excitement (or lack thereof!) during the first half, it's no wonder the poor man fell asleep. The game only really got exciting in the second half (the final 32-29 score resembled the closeness of many a CFL football game). So market CFL games in the United States and elsewhere with this commercial, "Don't want to miss the halftime show? Watch CFL football and stay awake! That way you can sing the old English music hall song, "What A Lovely Bunch of Coconuts!" or in this particular case, the old Harry Belafonte lyric, "Coconut!". "

The death toll in this year's haj stampede has now risen to 251 from the original 244 first reported. 251 Muslim pilgrims died in Mina, Saudi Arabia as they jostled to stone the three so-called "Satan" pillars. Muslims tell the Western world that the three pillars represent "Satan" and as such Muslim pilgrims gleefully stone the "Devil" pillars". Of course what Muslim clerics and leaders don't tell the nominally Christian west (and what the politically correct, brainless, decadent, perverted, one flash of Janet Jackson's breast and subsequently sexually aroused western world is too fat and lazy to find out) is that for the Prophet Mohammed, the Christian Trinity was "Satan" or "the Devil" and that's why there's three pillars (representing the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost) to stone. Think about it, western world, why are there three pillars to represent Satan since in Judeo-Christian thought, Satan is one personality and not three? So the next time the apostate heretical liberal US Conference of Catholic Bishops, various Jewish organizations and the anti-Gibson anti-Christian Anti-Defamation League Executive Director Abraham Foxman sit down to engage in their much beloved and much politically correct Interfaith dialogues with Muslims, think about that. No doubt a senile retarded former Prime Minister of Canada will smoke three reefs of pot at once to "stone" the Trinity in his own personal way.

Rumour has it that a Pittsburgh television weatherman (who happens to look quite a bit like actor and comic Bill Murray) and was assigned to cover the Groundhog Day ceremonies in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania is living the same day over and over again.

Over the past weekend, controversial boxing promoter and weird hairstyle guy Don King visited Caracas, Venezuela to meet with Venezuela's Marxist-Maoist President Hugo Chavez. Chavez called King "My brother" and had King on as a guest on his weekly radio and television show. King is apparently visiting the country to see how drug-free boxing matches are fought. King called Chavez a "President of the People" and Chavez in turn called King a "Champion of Justice." The preceding news item is one reason why the Global Daily Planet says it's impossible to be a satirist anymore. Nothing seems to beat the irony of real life these days.

And despite all the beer and Pepsi commercials at yesterday's Super Bowl game, Britney Spears' ex-boyfriend Justin Timberlake felt a sudden craving for chocolate milk and tried to get his singing comrade Janet Jackson to breastfeed him on the spot.

Happy GroundHog Day everyone!

It was one year ago today that seven astronauts were killed when the space shuttle Columbia disintegrated over the skies of Texas.

The Antichrist Episcopalian bishop of Virginia said in a speech yesterday that heresy is better than schism. The Wrong Irrereverend Peter J. Lee told 500 Episcopalians at the Hyatt Regency Hotel in Reston yesterday, "If you must make a choice between heresy and schism, always choose heresy." The Devil himself couldn't have put it better. "For as a heretic, you are only guilty of a wrong opinion," said Bishop Lee, quoting so-called Presbyterian "scholar" James McCord, "As a schismatic, you have torn and divided the body of Christ. Choose heresy every time." Bishop Lee is obviously unfamiliar with the Creed of Saint Athanasius which says, "Except a man keep the Catholic Faith whole and undefiled, he shall in no ways be saved." (By Catholic of course Athanasius meant the Trinitarian Faith not necessarily the Roman Catholic Church). Bishop Lee and his fellow adherents in choosing the heresy that "sodomy is a godly lifestyle" have ignored the teachings of Yeshua (Jesus) the Incarnation of Yahweh, the Second Person of the Holy Trinity. In the Old Testament, Yahweh condemned the sins of "man laying down with man" and "woman laying down with woman" as abominations. Only two other sins in the Old Testament are considered abominations, one is murder and the other is sorcery (or the invoking of false gods). Thus Bishop Lee, in ignoring the teachings of Yeshua as Yahweh, holds a very defiled version of the Catholic Faith and can in no way be considered "saved". Why Bishop Lee would prefer the opinion of the Antichrist Presbyterian James McCord over that of Christ's chosen Apostle, Saint Paul shows the contemporary prerogatives of modern Episcopalian bishops. While McCord uses an ever so mincing along phrase worthy of a Sugarplum Fairy, "If you must make a choice between heresy and schism, always choose heresy. As a schismatic, you have torn and divided the body of Christ. Choose heresy every time", the Apostle Paul on the other not so limpwristed hand rather manfully and masculinely puts it, "What doth Christ hath to do with Belial?" What does the True Church of Christ have to do with New Hampshire's Episcopal Bishop Vicki Gene Robinson who so literally worships the phallus of the pagan Canaanite god, Belial? In his speech, Bishop Lee swishingly added, "Our faith teaches us that people with who we differ often have important truths to teach us." Funny, the Prophet Elijah never held such a stupid namby pamby faith. When Elijah differed with the Prophets of Baal, he didn't ask them what truths they had to teach him, he called upon Heaven to send down fire and consume them (which Heaven obligingly did!). The bishop went on to snivell during his speech, "And I hear the pain and disappointment of gay and lesbian members of our diocese who are frustrated at the lack of availability to them of rites of blessing." They want rites of blessing from Yahweh? Maybe the same rights of blessing that consumed their gay and lesbian forebearers in the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah when fire came down from Heaven and consumed them as it did the priests of Baal. When an Episcopal bishop from Virginia spelts such demonic and hellish nonsense, you can safely give the answer to a certain question, "Yes Virginia, there is an Antichrist."